


Emily Is Away

by Game_of_Thorns



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/F, M/M, chatfic, i tripped and my gay fell out of my pocket, included: one hand drawn comic, lmao im so sorry, take one anyway, terrible memes, this fic was a Mistake™, we didn't need another chatfic but here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 22,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Game_of_Thorns/pseuds/Game_of_Thorns
Summary: A small band of heroes try to use a chat. How could this possibly go wrong?feat. Lena Oxton is so gay.





	1. @MOD WINSTON makes a Mistake™

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [IT'S BASICALLY DISCORD](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7544062) by [hanzo shimada (ubercharge)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ubercharge/pseuds/hanzo%20shimada). 
  * Inspired by [How do we even save the world like this.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255887) by [darknightskye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknightskye/pseuds/darknightskye). 
  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 



**[@MOD WINSTON] reopened [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reactivated devices: _comms/all_agents_ **

**[ALL COMMS ONLINE]**

**[TRACER] reentered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

TRACER: wot

TRACER: y is this back

@MOD WINSTON: Hello Lena! I’ve brought this chat back because the recall means we need to be able to contact all agents, and this is the best method to do such! Please restrict to professional use only!

@MOD WINSTON: Before this chat gets too busy with old chatter and catching up, it is important that I add all the new agents to the channel and give them a chance to introduce themselves!

**[@MOD WINSTON] added [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], [BASTION], [FAREEHA AMARI], [HANA SONG], [HANZO SHIMADA], [JAMISON FAWKES], [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [MAKO RUTLEDGE], [MEI-LING ZHOU], [SATYA VASWANI], and [TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA]**

TRACER: uhhhh

TRACER: that’s a lotta ppl

**[HANA SONG] entered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

HANA SONG: sure is lmao

HANA SONG: also how do i change my name???

HANA SONG: and who are you people???

**[MCCREE] reentered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

MCCREE: why

HANA SONG: ???

MCCREE: why is this chat open again

**[GENJI] reentered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

GENJI: lmao @MCCREE read up

@MOD WINSTON: @HANA SONG It’s in settings! They will introduce themselves as they see fit.

HANA SONG: k thanks man

**[HANA SONG] changed name to [D.VA]**

MCCREE: howdy genji

GENJI: hey loser

MCCREE: rude

MCCREE: @MERCY help im being attacked

GENJI: she won’t listen to you, cowboy. i’m clearly her favorite.

**[MERCY] reentered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

MERCY: What seems to be the problem, children?

D.VA: lmao

D.VA: hi bird mom

D.VA: loser #1 and cyborg leprechaun are having a fight

MERCY: Oh. That’s relatively normal here.

MERCY: Also, @MCCREE isn’t my favorite, @FAREEHA AMARI is.

D.VA: lmao that’s gay

TRACER: so where is everyone?? 

TRACER: im at the kings row watchpoint. leavin for gibraltar in a few.

@MOD WINSTON: Most agents are at Gibraltar, Agent Oxton.

TRACER: fine. who's NOT there??

GENJI: you, obviously.

MCCREE: that soldier 76 guy aint here either.

MERCY: Fareeha will be arriving on base within the next three hours, and I believe both Mei-Ling and Aleksandra are still in Lijiang, flying out next week.

MERCY: Everyone else is presumably on base somewhere, and MOST of you have been to see me for your medical records. :^) 

**[FAREEHA AMARI] entered [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

**[FAREEHA AMARI] changed name to [PHARAH]**

PHARAH: You called?

MERCY: You’re late, Fareeha.

PHARAH: Sorry Angie.

MERCY: When are you getting in?

PHARAH: On the plane right now. I’ll be there soon.

MERCY: It’ll be good to see you again!

PHARAH: I’m looking forward to it Angie.

D.VA: lmao

D.VA: gay

GENJI: i know you are but what am i?

D.VA: hhhhhhh

GENJI: ????

MERCY: Hush now, children.

D.VA: but moooooom!!!

PHARAH: I have no idea what’s going on, but my plane’s about to take off.

PHARAH: See you soon Angie! <3

MERCY: Ok! Enjoy your flight! <3

**[PHARAH] has left [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

@MOD WINSTON: Now that people are settling in here, I have some work to do. Remember: please use this channel for professional uses only!

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [OFFICIAL OVERWATCH CHANNEL]**

D.VA: lol nah

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**


	2. RIP In Pieces Genji

**[GENJI] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

GENJI: @HANZO SHIMADA

GENJI: …

GENJI: FAM

GENJI: SQUAD FAM

GENJI: LIT SQUAD FAM

GENJI: FURRY

GENJI: COWBOY FUCKER

GENJI: ARE YOU CRINGING YET?

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] changed name to [HANZO]**

HANZO: What.

GENJI: hi.

HANZO: Did you bring me in here just to insult me, brother?

GENJI: i’m bored

GENJI: help me brother

HANZO: No.

**[D.VA] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

D.VA: HELLO BOYS

D.VA: whos hanzo????

HANZO: …

HANZO: Me.

D.VA: whos ‘me’??? lol

HANZO: Me.

HANZO: Why is there a child in this chat?

D.VA: who’re u calling a child

HANZO: You.

D.VA: well fuck u too mister

GENJI: OOOOOHHHH

GENJI: GET REKT BROTHER

**[MERCY] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

MERCY: Language, Hana.

D.VA: LEAVE ME ALONE MOM

HANZO: Childish.

D.VA: ok… rude

HANZO: This chat is pitiful. Most of you are children.

D.VA: thats rich coming from the guy who fights with his tit out

**[GENJI] pinned the message [D.VA: thats rich coming from the guy who fights with his tit out]**

D.VA: at least i got rich young by working hard

D.VA: unlike SOME

GENJI: OUCH

GENJI: ANGELA HELP ME

GENJI: IVE BEEN MURDERED

GENJI: AGAIN

HANZO: …

HANZO: Brother, I will not hesitate to stab you. Again.

GENJI: no you won’t. you love me.

HANZO: No.

GENJI: RUDE

D.VA: RIP IN PIECES GENJI

**[MERCY] pinned the message [D.VA: RIP IN PIECES GENJI]**

GENJI: i came out to have a good time and honestly i’m feeling so attacked right now.

**[D.VA] pinned the message [GENJI: i came out to have a good time and honestly i’m feeling so attacked right now.]**

GENJI: @MERCY i need healing

MERCY: No.

**[JAMISON FAWKES] entered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

JAMISON FAWKES: GDAY M8

JAMISON FAWKES: WAIT…

**[JAMISON FAWKES] changed name to [JUNKRAT]**

JUNKRAT: THERE WE GO

JUNKRAT: ANYWAY…

JUNKRAT: GDAY M8

JUNKRAT: WHO WANTS TO HELP ME BBQ SOME SHIT

MERCY: Jamison…. Please. Don’t.

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

@MOD WINSTON: We do not need a repeat of last time, Jamison.

JUNKRAT: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@MOD WINSTON: Why is that the chat name?

MERCY: Hana changed it as soon as you left.

@MOD WINSTON: This chat was a mistake.

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

**[D.VA] pinned the message [@MOD WINSTON: This chat was a mistake.]**

D.VA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

D.VA: not my fault he doesn’t know how to run a chat.


	3. CRINGEFEST™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops.

**[TRACER] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

TRACER: wotcha

TRACER: im in Gibraltar now

**[PHARAH] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

TRACER: hey

PHARAH: Hello Lena.

TRACER: how was ur flight??

PHARAH: It was fine, thank you.

TRACER: lmao k

TRACER: @D.VA im bored

**[D.VA] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

D.VA: idk how to help u with that one

TRACER: :(

D.VA: wheres frog boi??

TRACER: frog boi???

D.VA: @LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS

D.VA: GET IN HERE

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS: hey hana!!

D.VA: dude

D.VA: your name is so long

LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS: lol

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] changed name to [LÚCIO]**

D.VA: thats better

TRACER: the brazilian dude???

LÚCIO: yah

TRACER: OH

TRACER: i get what u mean by frog boi

PHARAH: I

PHARAH: I don’t understand what is going on.

PHARAH: And I don’t think I want to.

TRACER: dont worry luv

TRACER: youll understand one day

PHARAH: Lena…

PHARAH: I’m older than you.

D.VA: ANYONE OLDER THAN LÚCIO IS OLD AF

**[MERCY] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

MERCY: Hana, we’re not that old.

D.VA: @REINHARDT IS ANCIENT THO

**[REINHARDT] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

REINHARDT: Okay, first of all: Rude.

D.VA: YOU HAVE GREY HAIR. YOU’RE OLD.

D.VA: YOU’RE SO OLD YOU PROBABLY DONT KNOW WHAT A MEME IS

REINHARDT: RUDE

**[REINHARDT] went idle**

MERCY: Oh my god Hana.

MERCY: You’ve done it now.

D.VA: ???

MERCY: He’ll be back.

**[MCCREE] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

MCCREE: he’ll be back with them old memes of his

**[GENJI] reentered [DANK MEMES BROKEN DREAMS]**

GENJI: NOT AGAIN.

GENJI: THANKS HANA.

TRACER: maybe it won't be as bad this time

MERCY: Don’t get your hopes up, Lena.

REINHARDT: I HAVE FOUND A PICTURE OF LÚCIO!!

TRACER: oh no

LÚCIO: ???

REINHARDT: 

TRACER: this is terrible

MERCY: I hate Overwatch.

GENJI: @HANZO Brother, please kill me again.

PHARAH: Hana, why?

LÚCIO: what

MCCREE: im quitting yall

D.VA: (ಠ_ಠ)

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [CRINGEFEST™]**

**[D.VA] has left [CRINGEFEST™]**

**[HANZO] reentered [CRINGEFEST™]**

MERCY: I warned you.

HANZO: @GENJI Come here and I’ll make your death quick and relatively painless.


	4. @EVERYONE

**[D.VA] reentered [CRINGEFEST™]**

D.VA: @EVERYONE

D.VA: @TRACER wants to know if anyone has seen her comm since the last London mission

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [CRINGEFEST™]**

@MOD WINSTON: I have not seen it, but please tell Lena to take better care of her things. Especially things provided by Overwatch.

@MOD WINSTON: A new comm device will be given to her shortly. Please inform her that Overwatch is not made of money, and should she lose the one provided — excluding theft and destruction of the device during battle, she will most likely not receive another.

D.VA: k thanks man

D.VA: she's driving me NUTS

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [CRINGEFEST™]**

SOLDIER 76: I have not seen Tracer’s comm.

D.VA: you're a bit late

**[MERCY] reentered [CRINGEFEST™]**

MERCY: Did she check the last place she saw it?

D.VA: she said yes

MERCY: Fareeha says to ask whether Lena might have left it on the Orca from the mission.

D.VA: y didn't she just ask us herself??

D.VA: is there something u need to tell us angela??

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: Stop that, Hana. I’m trying to help Lena.

D.VA: gay

**[MERCY] has gone idle**

SOLDIER 76: Leave Angela and Fareeha alone, Hana.

D.VA: ur not my dad.

D.VA: anyway lena says she doesn't think she left it on the orca

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered [CRINGEFEST™]**

MEI-LING ZHOU: She might have dropped it when she came to greet Aleks and I?

@MOD WINSTON: Possibly, but the hangars were cleaned yesterday morning, and Athena says there was no stray tech in there.

@MOD WINSTON: If it was lost around base, please refrain from having Ms. Zaryanova lift the furniture to help search for it.

**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA] entered [CRINGEFEST™]**

**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA] changed name to [ZARYA]**

ZARYA: I will try to refrain from lifting the furniture in the future, Dr. Winston.

D.VA: u take all the fun outta things, winston. :/

MERCY: It’s for the good of everyone on base, Hana.

D.VA: its not fun so its not good for me

D.VA: hold on lena wants me to tell you something

D.VA: she says she thinks she dropped it

MERCY: Lena…

D.VA: in london.

MERCY: You’ll never see that comm again.

D.VA: RIP in pieces, lena and lenas comm

**[MERCY] pinned the message [D.VA: RIP in pieces, lena and lenas comm]**

MEI-LING ZHOU: Maybe a nice person will find it and give it back!

SOLDIER 76: Or use it to get information on Overwatch…

MERCY: There’s no information on here worth seeing, Soldier.

@MOD WINSTON: Finding Agent Oxton’s comm device is the most useful thing this chat has been used for since it was reopened.

D.VA: lena says she's mostly accepted the fact that she wont get it back

SOLDIER 76: We should retrieve the device so there is no possibility of word getting out that Overwatch is back.

D.VA: lmao good luck finding it. could be anywhere by now

SOLDIER 76: @MOD WINSTON Is there any way to track the devices?

@MOD WINSTON: No. It would make it far too easy for the enemy if there were.

MEI-LING ZHOU: It’s fairly likely that no one found it, or that it got broken or destroyed.

SOLDIER 76: At least one person is optimistic about this.

MERCY: I’m sure everything will be fine.

@MOD WINSTON: All there is left to do is to wait and see.

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [CRINGEFEST™]**

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [CRINGEFEST™]**

D.VA: sooo do we @ everyone again just in case or???

MERCY: Don’t bother. Most of the team who haven't spoken in here have their notifications turned off.

D.VA: lena needs to stop losing her things

MERCY: Yes. It’s gotten out of hand.

**[MERCY] changed channel name to [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

D.VA: thats not a good enough name mom

MERCY: Don’t touch the channel name, Hana. :^)

D.VA: it can stay. im too lazy to think of a better one rn

**[MERCY] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

**[D.VA] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

MEI-LING ZHOU: …

MEI-LING ZHOU: It’s suddenly very quiet in here.

ZARYA: It is indeed.

MEI-LING ZHOU: Will I see you at dinner?

ZARYA: If you will be there, yes.

MEI-LING ZHOU: I’ll see you then!

ZARYA: Good.

**[ZARYA] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

MEI-LING ZHOU: (#^.^#)

MEI-LING ZHOU: Well.

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] changed name to [MEI]**

**[MEI] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**


	5. Hello Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shout out to shadowmanji who guessed the plot of this chapter!

**[MERCY] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

MERCY: Any luck finding the comm?

**[D.VA] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

D.VA: zero. sorry

D.VA: which means im playing scribe for lena again.

@MOD WINSTON: She will have her new one by the end of the week, unless she finds her old one. Keep me up to date just in case.

**[@MOD WINSTON] went idle**

**[TRACER] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

D.VA: !!!!

MERCY: Is that Lena?

D.VA: lena’s sitting with me, looking over my shoulder. doesn't have a comm on her.

MERCY: Then who just came online?

TRACER: Uhhh…

TRACER: What is this??

MERCY: Where did you find this?

TRACER: On my balcony. Do you know who it belongs to?

MERCY: Yes.

TRACER: Where/who can I return it to?

D.VA: who’re you

TRACER: I’m Emily.

D.VA: @MOD WINSTON theres a civ here. what do???

@MOD WINSTON: Oh. I have no idea.

D.VA: the real lena said she’ll take a jet and go get it back

MERCY: Bad idea. Could be Talon.

**[GENJI] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

GENJI: WHATS UP LOSERS?

TRACER: …

D.VA: uhhh bad timing green man

GENJI: ???

MERCY: Read up.

GENJI: Oh.

GENJI: Right.

GENJI: Well.

GENJI: Hello stranger!

GENJI: @EVERYONE come say hi!

**[PHARAH] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

**[HANZO] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

PHARAH: Uhh… Hi?

MCCREE: howdy

HANZO: Hello.

TRACER: ???

TRACER: Who even are you people???

MERCY: @MOD WINSTON She doesn't know who we are. Are we in the clear with this one?

@MOD WINSTON: I have no idea.

D.VA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i guess it wouldn't hurt to have a non-ow friend

D.VA: n the only one who’s got a problem with it is 76

MERCY: Doing almost nothing about this is the least expensive and also the easiest option we have, despite 76’s insistence that offing a civilian would be easier.

TRACER: Offing a civilian???

TRACER: What kind of group are you???

**[LENA OXTON] entered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

LENA OXTON: dw guys ill bring her up to speed

LENA OXTON: @MOD WINSTON let me go to england

@MOD WINSTON: I see you’ve gotten your new comm. Your next assignment in England is in two weeks.

LENA OXTON: not soon enough

**[LENA OXTON] changed name to [REAL TRACER]**

REAL TRACER: we cant waste time

REAL TRACER: lol brb

@MOD WINSTON: LENA, NO!

**[REAL TRACER] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

MERCY: Winston, it’s Lena we’re talking about. What did you expect?

@MOD WINSTON: This chat was a mistake. The recall was a mistake.

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

D.VA: dunno how you lot didn't see this coming. she hasn't had a gf in years

GENJI: she's just too gay to function

**[D.VA] pinned the message [GENJI: she’s just too gay to function]**

D.VA: same tho

TRACER: I have no idea what is going on…

**[PHARAH] pinned the message [TRACER: I have no idea what is going on…]**

D.VA: lmao dont u worry

D.VA: this is p normal for us

TRACER: This is the strangest thing that has ever happened to me.

PHARAH: In my experience, the strange becomes the normal when you’re stuck round this lot.


	6. QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I'M DEAD

**[REAL TRACER] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

**[TRACER] reentered [MISSING: TRACER’S COMM]**

REAL TRACER: uhhh i guess i should…

**[REAL TRACER] changed channel name to [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

TRACER: heh

TRACER: I guess I should change too :D

**[TRACER] changed name to [EMILY]**

EMILY: There!

EMILY: @EVERYONE Hello!

REAL TRACER: uhhh

**[REAL TRACER] changed name to [TRACER]**

TRACER: there we go

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

@MOD WINSTON: Hello Emily! It’s good to see everyone has their correct names now! If you have any questions, you can ask me or anyone in the group. Most of them are friendly and won’t bite!

TRACER: @EMILY ill bite if u want me to luv ;)

EMILY: !!!!

EMILY: LENA!!!! <3

**[D.VA] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

D.VA: thats kinky

D.VA: also: GAY

@MOD WINSTON: Lena… Please behave.

TRACER: ;)

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

D.VA: LMAO

**[GENJI] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

GENJI: did someone say GAY?

MCCREE: can y'all tone down the gay a little? some of us are tryin to sleep.

TRACER: come on man :/

**[GENJI] pinned the message [MCCREE: can y'all tone down the gay a little? some of us are tryin to sleep.]**

D.VA: you cant talk cowboi. i caught u staring at hanzo’s ass A LOT during training yesterday.

**[GENJI] pinned the message [D.VA: you cant talk cowboi. i caught u staring at hanzo’s ass A LOT during training yesterday.]**

GENJI: hey Jesse…

GENJI: Im sure not all of the kids know the story of when I

GENJI: you know…

MCCREE: dONT YOU DARE

GENJI: that one time i caught you wanking to a picture of my brother

GENJI: (¬‿¬)

**[MCCREE] has left [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

TRACER: I REMEMBER THAT

D.VA: OH

D.VA: OH M Y FUC K

D.VA: HOLY S HIT

D.VA: I CAN’T

D.VA: I NEED MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

D.VA: THAT WAS TOO FUNNY

D.VA: @EVERYONE GET IN HERE N READ UP

**[PHARAH] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[MERCY] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[ZARYA] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[MEI] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[HANZO] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

MERCY: ….

PHARAH: What the fuck did I just read?

ZARYA: ….

MEI: ( ಠ_ಠ)

LÚCIO: Idk what that was.

HANZO: …

**[HANZO] pinned the message [GENJI: hey Jesse…]**

**[HANZO] pinned the message [GENJI: Im sure not all of the kids know the story of when I]**

**[HANZO] pinned the message [GENJI: you know…]**

**[HANZO] pinned the message [GENJI: that one time i caught you wanking to a picture of my brother]**

**[HANZO] pinned the message [GENJI: (¬‿¬)]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

REINHARDT: LMAO

REINHARDT: ANA WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE THAT

PHARAH: …

REINHARDT: Shit! Sorry Fareeha.

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

ANA AMARI: @REINHARDT QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD, ASSHOLE.

REINHARDT: !!!!

PHARAH: !!!!

TRACER: WHAT.

ANA AMARI: LMAO

**[ANA AMARI] has left [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

PHARAH: MOTHER WHY????

D.VA: ….

D.VA: i dont understand

LÚCIO: ^same


	7. UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops. i dropped a bottle of angst and its spilled all over this fic.

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [DEFINITELY NOT OVERWATCH]**

**[ANA AMARI] changed name to [ANA]**

**[ANA] changed channel name to [SURPRISE BITCHES]**

ANA: lmao whats up fuckers?

**[TRACER] reentered [SURPRISE BITCHES]**

TRACER: noooo

TRACER: my channel name ;_;

**[MERCY] reentered [SURPRISE BITCHES]**

ANA: lol hi angie

MERCY: Okay, first of all:

MERCY: hOW DARE YOU.

MERCY: NO CALLS, NO TEXTS, NOT EVEN A LETTER. FOR YEARS!!!

MERCY: FAREEHA IS CRYING INTO MY SHOULDER AND YOU’RE IN HERE JUST FUCKING AROUND??

MERCY: JUST STOP.

MERCY: AND DON’T COME LOOKING FOR EITHER OF US UNTIL YOU’VE SORTED YOURSELF OUT.

MERCY: but also: welcome back.

**[MERCY] has left [SURPRISE BITCHES]**

**[TRACER] changed channel name to [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

TRACER: >:(

**[TRACER] has left [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

ANA: i…

ANA: i suppose i deserve that…

**[ANA] has left [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**\- - - SUBGROUP: UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS - - -**

**[TRACER] created subgroup: [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[TRACER] added [PHARAH], [MERCY], [REINHARDT], [TORBJÖRN], [GENJI], [MCCREE], [MEI], and [@MOD WINSTON]**

TRACER: is that everyone?

**[REINHARDT] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

REINHARDT: For what?

TRACER: for being angry at ana.

TRACER: @MERCY is Fareeha all right??

**[MERCY] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

MERCY: Not really.

MERCY: I can’t believe Ana would do this to us…

TRACER: we MOURNED for her

REINHARDT: We BURRIED her.

**[TORBJÖRN] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

TORBJÖRN: I am upset.

**[MCCREE] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

MCCREE: @EVERYONE we should make something for Fareeha

MCCREE: or do something nice for her

MCCREE: y’know to help her feel a bit better

**[MEI] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

MEI: We could have a movie night?

MEI: The rec room has locks in case you want to keep her out.

MERCY: Fareeha says she wouldn't mind a movie night.

TRACER: k so everyone but ana gather in the rec room in about 20 mins. there will be alcohol n food.

TRACER: that’s including the n00bs

TRACER: @GENJI you n lucio could head out to the shops n grab some alcohol maybe??

**[GENJI] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

GENJI: ok. good plan. brb

TRACER: someone should place an order for like a shit ton of takeout

GENJI: ill pick it up while I'm out

TRACER: thanks my dude. ill text you the place

**[GENJI] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

TRACER: @MOD WINSTON how do we let everyone BUT ana know about the plans??

**[@MOD WINSTON] entered [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

@MOD WINSTON: I’ll get Athena to block her from the main chat for around half an hour and alert me if she starts moving around the base. That should give everyone enough time to get in and get all the things you need. I’ll turn on everyone’s notifications so they get the message.

@MOD WINSTON: I suggest we get Athena to not let her in and also physically lock her out of the rec room in case she tries to use her override keys.

@MOD WINSTON: I will go notify everyone.

TRACER: cool. thanks man.

TRACER: @EVERYONE bring blankets and pillows if you want. raid the party supplies cupboard n there should be some sweets n cookies n popcorn n all that.

**[REINHARDT] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[MERCY] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[TORBJÖRN] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[MEI] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[MCCREE] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**[TRACER] has left [UPSETTI SPAGHETTIS]**

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE - - -**

**[ANA] was blocked from using this chat for [00:30:00 HOURS]**

**[TRACER] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

TRACER: @EVERYONE EVERYONE MEET UP IN THE REC ROOM IN 20 MINS. IMPORTANT. BRING BLANKETS, PILLOWS, AND SNACK FOODS.

**[TRACER] has left [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**


	8. ROLLCALL!

**[TRACER] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[GENJI] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[SATYA VASWANI] entered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

TRACER: ok is that everyone?

GENJI: lemme in my hands are full

TRACER: coming

SATYA VASWANI: I do not understand why we all had to attend this. I was busy working.

TRACER: its team building luv

TRACER: and fareeha needs us

**[LÚCIO] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

LÚCIO: Should we take a head count??

TRACER: good thinking my man! i’ll do it.

TRACER: alrighty!! @BASTION

**[BASTION] entered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

BASTION: Dweet doot o(^▽^)o

TRACER: @D.VA you here??

**[D.VA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

D.VA: lmao hi guys

TRACER: hi hana

LÚCIO: Hey Hana!!

D.VA: lúcio my dude

D.VA: 

LÚCIO: That’s a pretty cool frog!

TRACER: oi! back on track kids!

D.VA: lmao k mom

LÚCIO: lol

TRACER: !!!

TRACER: @GENJI n @HANZO

GENJI: here.

**[HANZO] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

HANZO: Present.

TRACER: @JUNKRAT

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

JUNKRAT: GDAY MATE

TRACER: @LÚCIO is here already

TRACER: @MCCREE @MEI @MERCY @MOD WINSTON

**[MCCREE] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[MEI] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[MERCY] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

MCCREE: howdy y'all

MEI: Hi!!

MERCY: Hello!

@MOD WINSTON: Hello.

TRACER: @PHARAH @REINHARDT @MAKO RUTLEDGE @SATYA VASWANI

SATYA VASWANI: Yes. Hello.

**[SATYA VASWANI] changed name to [SYMMETRA]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE] changed name to [ROADHOG]**

PHARAH: Hello

REINHARDT: Hello.

ROADHOG: (｀（●●）´)

TRACER: k. just a few more.

TRACER: @SOLDIER 76 @TORBJÖRN @ZARYA @TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[ZARYA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] changed name to [ZENYATTA]**

SOLDIER 76: Hello children.

TORBJÖRN: Hello.

ZARYA: Hello friends!!

ZENYATTA: It is nice to see everyone gathered here, even if it is because of something negative.

TRACER: so now everyone is here, lets pick a movie

TRACER: @MOD WINSTON do we have voice chat here???

@MOD WINSTON: Yes. Voice chat has been enabled. Everyone just needs to enter the chat and then we can get started! I recommend entering the voice chat before picking a movie, in case anyone needs help. Everything will be transcribed into text in case of alcohol-induced memory loss.

TRACER: @EVERYONE hop into voice chat n then we can get this party rolling.


	9. Overwatch Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MEAN GIRLS MEAN GIRLS MEAN GIRLS

**\- - - CHANNEL: OVERWATCH VOICE CHAT - - -**

**[TRACER] entered [OVERWATCH VOICE CHAT]**

**[TRACER] changed channel name to [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

TRACER: winston, is everyone already in here?

**[@MOD WINSTON] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

@MOD WINSTON: Yes. Everyone was added to the voice chat when the main chat was reopened.

TRACER: goodie. get in ‘ere folks!!

**[BASTION] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[ZENYATTA] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[ZARYA] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[MEI] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[JUNKRAT] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[ROADHOG] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[SOLDIER 76] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[PHARAH] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[MERCY] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[GENJI] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[HANZO] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[MCCREE] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[LÚCIO] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[D.VA] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[REINHARDT] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[TORBJÖRN] entered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

@MOD WINSTON: Oh my.

@MOD WINSTON: I just realised how many agents we have. It is a little overwhelming.

TRACER: haha

D.VA: where’s emily???

TRACER: I invited her but she said she has a real job in London and can’t come all the way to gibraltar :/

D.VA: awww… :(

TRACER: so how are we going to pick the movie?

D.VA: how bout we let fareeha pick? this is for her after all.

MERCY: That’s a good idea Hana. Fareeha, dear, what kind of movie do you want?

PHARAH: Something happy. No dead parents.

TRACER: that’s reasonable.

TRACER: a comedy…. hmmm….

REINHARDT: I have an idea!!

TRACER: oh god. what is it?

REINHARDT: MEAN GIRLS

TRACER: not the movie i was expecting

TRACER: also YES

PHARAH: I like Mean Girls.

TRACER: ALL FOR MEAN GIRLS SAY AYE! (say nothing for the nays)

PHARAH: Aye.

MERCY: Aye.

D.VA: AYYYYYE LMAO

LÚCIO: AYE

ZARYA: AYE

BASTION: DWEET (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

ZENYATTA: The Bastion unit has said ‘AYE’, if you wished to know.

GENJI: AYE

REINHARDT: AYE

MEI: Aye.

MCCREE: sure. aye.

TRACER: THE AYES HAVE IT. tho to be fair, Torb looks like he’s passed out and the junkers are having fun toasting marshmallows with that blowtorch i brought, so there’s not many people to object.

ZENYATTA: I do not mind what we watch, so long as Fareeha is happy with the choice.

SYMMETRA: I do not mind what we watch either.

HANZO: I don’t care.

SOLDIER 76: Winston and I are just here as adult supervision for you lot.

TRACER: right.

TRACER: can we put on the movie?

TRACER: how do i operate this thing???

MERCY: Ask Athena.

TRACER: kay. Athena, how do I work this thing?

**[ATHENA: Push the red button then speak your movie command. Everything else is taken care of by the system.]**

GENJI: oh so you can speak in the chat. cool.

D.VA: huh???

GENJI: you’ll understand when you go back over this chat later.

D.VA: lol ok

TRACER: ok system: select ‘Mean Girls’

**[ATHENA: Movie selected. When everyone is ready, speak command ‘Press Play’. Do you wish to dim the lights?]**

TRACER: thanks athena. please dim the lights.

**[ATHENA: Lights dimmed to 25%]**

D.VA: sit down already!!

TRACER: ok ok!!

TRACER: ok system: press play.

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE - - -**

**[ANA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

ANA: hello???

ANA: where is everyone???

ANA: :(

**[ANA] has left [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**


	10. Hello Naughty Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angela sleeps....
> 
> JUST KIDDING :^)

**[D.VA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[TRACER] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[GENJI] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

D.VA: im bored.

GENJI: why are you lot still awake?

TRACER: cant sleep

LÚCIO: ^^^

D.VA: whats something we can do??

GENJI: idk

TRACER: I KNOW

GENJI: LENA NO

TRACER: HOW ABOUT

GENJI: LENA PLEASE

TRACER: A PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!

GENJI: oh.

GENJI: that’s not what i expected.

TRACER: what did u expect? me suggesting we go out n buy some drugs??

GENJI: not quite that extreme but close.

GENJI: i was expecting something closer to ‘lets go to the training rooms and do some experimental and dangerous shit with weapons’

D.VA: lmao that’s just her usual day.

LÚCIO: what? the weapons or the drugs?

TRACER: OI! i thought u were the good egg here Lu. boy was i wrong.

TRACER: hana is a bad influence.

D.VA: u bet ur ass i am

TRACER: lmao everyone get back in voice chat n we’ll settle this

**\- - - CHANNEL: OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA - - -**

**[D.VA] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[GENJI] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[TRACER] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

LÚCIO: OUCH

D.VA: shhh lucio!! youll wake the old folks

LÚCIO: you never told me you were a good shot!

D.VA: boi id be unemployed if i weren't

TRACER: careful! you almost hit the bird moms!

D.VA: lmao look at angel bird mom cuddled up with rocket bird mom!

D.VA: so precious. so gay

GENJI: when is overwatch anything BUT gay?

D.VA: ow! that was my foot!

GENJI: oops sorry

TRACER: lmao winston is gonna kill us when he wakes up

D.VA: only if we get caught

TRACER: hana you know athena would sell us out for a new upgrade module

D.VA: lmao she would

**[ATHENA: Careful, Agent Song. I might just wake Doctor Ziegler.]**

D.VA: you wouldn't dARE.

**[ATHENA: Witness me.]**

D.VA: watch ur back A. the other day i met a girl who knows what she's doing with her hacking gloves.

**[ATHENA: So threatening.]**

TRACER: hana, r u gay for her???

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

D.VA: OUCH!!

D.VA: GENJI!!!

TRACER: UH OH

LÚCIO: do we run???

D.VA: TOO LATE. YOU HIT HER. SHE’S AWAKE

D.VA: 〣( ºΔº )〣

**[MERCY] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

MERCY: Hello naughty children…

MERCY: It’s murder time :^)

TRACER: RIP

**[ATHENA] pinned the message [TRACER: RIP]**


	11. JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> are yous all happy yet? i even drew you a comic.

**[MERCY] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

**[HANZO] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

HANZO: Has anyone seen my brother?

MERCY: :^)

MERCY: No.

**[MCCREE] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

MCCREE: Angie…. what did you do to him??

MERCY: :^)

MERCY: They woke me.

MCCREE: @HANZO read the transcripts of the voice chat from last night

MCCREE: I’ll help ya look if you’d like.

**[D.VA] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

D.VA: dw guys!!! we’re all alive!!

**[LÚCIO] reentered [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

LÚCIO: we’re also locked in the med bay.

D.VA: ya that is a problem

MERCY: :^)

D.VA: dont fuck w/ her today. she's super angry

LÚCIO: dont injure yourselves either. theres no med bay today.

MCCREE: all because y'all decided to have a pillow fight?!?

D.VA: genji’s still out cold. lena’s not looking any better.

HANZO: In that case, remind Genji that he said he had a present for me.

D.VA: lol the present is a middle finger

HANZO: Typical.

MCCREE: you can always come and keep me company today ;)

HANZO: No thanks.

**[HANZO] has left [ANA IS BAD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE]**

D.VA: OOOHHHH

D.VA: GET REKT COWBOI!!!

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

MCCREE: rude

**[GENJI] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

GENJI: …

GENJI: wassup

GENJI: i live

D.VA: oh. ur awake. welcome back

D.VA: also: @EMILY ur girlfriend is out cold

**[EMILY] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

EMILY: Oh dear! What did she do this time?

D.VA: we… might have accidentally woken angie….

EMILY: Which one is Angie?

MERCY: :^)

D.VA: the one whos sending those passive aggressive smileys

D.VA: she’s mad cause she was cuddling with rocket bird mom n we woke her

MERCY: Hana… I will knock you out again.

EMILY: Rocket bird mom??

D.VA: Fareeha

D.VA: they were being really gay last night

LÚCIO: you were being pretty gay too.

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

LÚCIO: how’d you get those to show up in the voice chat transcripts from last night btw???

D.VA: messed round with the device until i got what i wanted

D.VA: i had to get help from a friend to get it to show selected current facial expressions

LÚCIO: it was the hacker, wasn’t it??

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

D.VA: shut up

**[GENJI] pinned the message [LÚCIO: it was the hacker, wasn’t it?]**

GENJI: you're all so gay.

LÚCIO: well… you’re not wrong…

**[D.VA] pinned the message [GENJI: you’re all so gay.]**

**[MERCY] pinned the message [LÚCIO: well… you’re not wrong…]**

D.VA: sorry for last night tho

LÚCIO: yah. sorry.

GENJI: im sorry too.

**[TRACER] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

EMILY: Oh good. You’re awake.

TRACER: hey luv

TRACER: also im sorry for last night too

MERCY: It’s fine.

D.VA: cool cause i made you something

MERCY: ????

D.VA:

MERCY: ….

MERCY: Thanks Hana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yous can find the comic (and an explanation of its origins) on my tumblr (queen-emma-frost) as well!!!


	12. Hyacinths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I spilled some angst on this chapter.

**[PHARAH] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

PHARAH: Uhhh…

PHARAH: Is anyone else awake?

PHARAH: No one???

PHARAH: I just walked into the kitchen.

PHARAH: Lights were on, fresh pot of coffee on the bench???

PHARAH: There’s purple flowers on the table and a plate of baklava???

PHARAH: It’s way too early for this. I’m going back to bed.

**[PHARAH] has left [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

**[MERCY] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

**[D.VA] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

MERCY: Hana, why are you awake?

D.VA: stream finished early so i went to bed ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

D.VA: come to the kitchen tho

D.VA: theres a mystery to solve

MERCY: On my way.

D.VA: @EVERYONE someone made food n left it in the kitchen. no one has touched it, but you might want to store it before it goes bad.

**[PHARAH] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

PHARAH: It was there when I first got up. I’ll be over in a moment.

D.VA: theres flowers on the table too???

MERCY: Purple hyacinths.

**[REINHARDT] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

REINHARDT: Purple? Is there a card or something with them??

D.VA: ya. i dont wanna peek in case its something private.

REINHARDT: Purple hyacinths mean ‘I’m sorry’.

D.VA: ???

REINHARDT: Shush. I like flowers.

REINHARDT: Check the card.

D.VA: k

D.VA: it just says ‘I’m sorry’

REINHARDT: Oh.

**[REINHARDT] went idle**

D.VA: ???

MERCY: …

MERCY: Oh no.

MERCY: Sorry Hana. I… I have to go.

**[MERCY] went idle**

**[PHARAH] went idle**

D.VA: ???

D.VA: is everyone all right????

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - SUBGROUP: HYACINTHS - - -**

**[REINHARDT] created subgroup: [HYACINTHS]**

**[REINHARDT] added [PHARAH] and [MERCY]**

REINHARDT: Purple hyacinths were Ana’s favourite…

**[PHARAH] entered [HYACINTHS]**

**[MERCY] entered [HYACINTHS]**

PHARAH: She gave me some once when she missed my birthday. Kissed my head and said ‘I’m sorry’.

MERCY: Your favourite sweet food is still baklava, isn’t it Fareeha?

PHARAH: Yes.

REINHARDT: Your ma was never very good with words.

REINHARDT: Not with the whole apologising thing.

REINHARDT: We should find her and talk about this.

MERCY: Later though.

MERCY: Coffee first.

PHARAH: Agreed.

**[MERCY] has left [HYACINTHS]**

**[PHARAH] has left [HYACINTHS]**

**[REINHARDT] has left [HYACINTHS]**

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER - - -**

D.VA: uh oh. 


	13. Friendly Neighbourhood Hackerman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tripped and all my gay fell out of my pocket.

**[D.VA] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

D.VA: im exhausted. how is that so easy for you???

SYMMETRA: I have been dancing for a very long time, Hana.

SYMMETRA: You will soon find it becomes easier as you progress.

D.VA: thanks but i feel like i’ve just run a marathon

D.VA: i feel the ache in my bones.

SYMMETRA: You did very well, Hana. Shall I see you at the same time on Saturday?

D.VA: yah. see you then!

SYMMETRA: Very well.

**[SYMMETRA] has left [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

**[TRACER] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

**[GENJI] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

GENJI: I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE…

GENJI: SOMETHING THATS FUCKING GAY

**[TRACER] pinned the message [GENJI: I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE…]**

**[TRACER] pinned the message [GENJI: SOMETHING THATS FUCKING GAY]**

D.VA: shut up

TRACER: GAY

LÚCIO: GAY

LÚCIO: i thought you were with the hacker girl tho…

D.VA: shut up 

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

GENJI: Overwatch is so gay.

**[LÚCIO] pinned the message [GENJI: Overwatch is so gay.]**

D.VA: i hate all of you

TRACER: lmao

TRACER: so you like both the hacker girl and our resident architect??

TRACER: thats cool

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

D.VA: stop it

D.VA: you're not any better.

TRACER: ???

D.VA: you like both emily AND that one assassin whose tits you keep staring at.

TRACER: …

TRACER: i hate all of you.

LÚCIO: wow. overwatch is really gay.

**[SOMBRA] entered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

SOMBRA: HOLA!

SOMBRA: whats up losers

LÚCIO: who are you?

D.VA: new phone, who dis?

GENJI: who r u and how did you get this number??

TRACER: who the fuck r u???

SOMBRA: its ur friendly neighbourhood hackerman

TRACER: oh

TRACER: OH

TRACER: YOURE HANA’S HACKER GF

D.VA: stfu lena

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SOMBRA: you didn't tell me we’re dating conejita!!

SOMBRA: i’ll take you out some time ;)

D.VA: !!!! <3

TRACER: @EVERYONE

D.VA: dONT U DARE

TRACER: HANA’S GOT A DATE!!!!!

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LÚCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: fuck you

**[MERCY] reentered [JESSE MCCREE: GAY DISASTER]**

MERCY: Language!

D.VA: fine!

D.VA: @EVERYONE

D.VA: LENA LIKES STARING AT WIDOWMAKER’S TITS.

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [D.VA: LENA LIKES STARING AT WIDOWMAKER’S TITS.]**

TRACER: you cant just call me out like this.

TRACER: her tits are nice tho.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [TRACER: her tits are nice tho.]**

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SOMBRA: im telling her.

TRACER: dONT YOU DARE.

**[SOMBRA] added [WIDOWMAKER]**

SOMBRA: @WIDOWMAKER lena says she likes your tits

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

WIDOWMAKER: Okay.

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

SOMBRA: @EMILY your gf is staring at another woman’s tits.

MERCY: What is it with you lot and sleeping with the enemy?

TRACER: what is it with you and not telling fareeha you love her?

**[D.VA] pinned the message [TRACER: what is it with you and not telling fareeha you love her?]**

**[MERCY] has left [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[EMILY] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

EMILY: Widowmaker does have some pretty nice tits. Just saying.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [EMILY: Widowmaker does have some pretty nice tits. Just saying.]**

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 


	14. How To Get The Girl(s)

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

SOLDIER 76: @EVERYONE

SOLDIER 76: All right kids, what happened in here last night? And why are there Talon agents in the chat?

**[EMILY] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[TRACER] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[D.VA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[GENJI] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

GENJI: lmao some gay shit happened

TRACER: we got hana a girlfriend. maybe 2

SOMBRA: and we’re getting lena and emily a second girlfriend

D.VA: not like this chat was anything professional anyway ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

@MOD WINSTON: …

@MOD WINSTON: I have many regrets.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [@MOD WINSTON: I have many regrets.]**

SOLDIER 76: You still shouldn’t have let them in!

D.VA: technically… we didn’t.

D.VA: they let themselves in.

SOLDIER 76: …

SOLDIER 76: I hate Overwatch.

D.VA: thats fine with me dad

SOLDIER 76: …

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

TRACER: so now he’s gone… where is the hackerman taking you on your date hana??

D.VA: stfu

SOMBRA: its a surprise ;)

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

TRACER: and what about satya?? i kno u like her legs hana.

SOMBRA: oh god.

SOMBRA: Satya is very pretty

EMILY: Take her with you!

D.VA: how r u meant to ask a girl out when its a 3 person date!?

SOMBRA: leave that up to me chica!

TRACER: do you even know what you’re doing???

SOMBRA: uhhhhh

SOMBRA: not really???

SOMBRA: wait i have a plan

SOMBRA: @SYMMETRA

D.VA: this could end very badly

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

SYMMETRA: Yes?

SOMBRA: will you go on a date with hana and i?

SYMMETRA: A date?

SYMMETRA: I’ve never been on a date before.

SOMBRA: it’ll be fun!

SYMMETRA: I suppose it wouldn't hurt, so yes.

SOMBRA: !!!

D.VA: (〃ﾟーﾟ〃)

SYMMETRA: I have work to finish, sorry. Text me the details?

SOMBRA: sure <3

D.VA: <3

SYMMETRA: Good… <3

**[SYMMETRA] has left [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

LÚCIO: lol i think you broke her.

D.VA: huh?

LÚCIO: she's always so serious. you just got her using an emoji.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [SYMMETRA: Good… <3]**

LÚCIO: you're all so gay.

D.VA: … you’re pretty gay too.

LÚCIO: ok true.

WIDOWMAKER: Well that was… interesting.

WIDOWMAKER: Glad to know I’m getting a night off from Sombra’s loud mouth.

TRACER: hah if she’s lucky she might get to put her mouth to good use ;)

SOMBRA: lena i will leak all your saved pictures of widowmaker on the internet.

**[TRACER] has left [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

D.VA: lmao overwatch is so gay 


	15. Hanzo, Lemme Smash

**[GENJI] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

GENJI: LMAO DID EVERYONE SEE WHAT HAPPENED AT DINNER LAST NIGHT???

**[MEI] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

MEI: No???

SOMBRA: WHAT HAPPENED??

SOMBRA: I MUST KNOW.

GENJI: @EVERYONE

GENJI: here’s a summary of [what happened at dinner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TcLxlkc2pA)

GENJI: GAY COWBOI IS RON AND MY DEAR BROTHER IS THE BROWN BIRD

**[D.VA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[ANA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

D.VA: LMAO

ANA: accurate

REINHARDT: How did you even find that relic?

GENJI: my hot cyborg body is connected to the internet at all times ;)

GENJI: thanks @MERCY

**[MERCY] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

MERCY: I don’t think Jesse is a bird.

MERCY: But the video is an accurate summary of what happened.

**[MERCY] pinned the message [GENJI: my hot cyborg body is connected to the internet at all times ;)]**

MERCY: I will also never forget that you said this.

SOMBRA: i will treasure this for eternity

**[MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

MCCREE: why're y'all bullying me like this?

GENJI: because you make it so easy.

MCCREE: =|:-(

GENJI: wtf

D.VA: is that meant to be a cowboy emoji???

GENJI: take your nose smileys out of here

**[ANA] pinned the message [GENJI: take your nose smileys out of here]**

ANA: why r u so much like jack???

ANA: ALSO: jack then: >:-(

ANA: jack now: ||-(

ANA: gabe then: >:(

ANA: gabe now: ～(へ~o~)へ

D.VA: is that… a ghost???

ANA: yea

MCCREE: but they’re… yknow… gone.

ANA: lol. wrong.

MCCREE: ???

ANA: look at this ass tho??

ANA: its a rectangle.

ANA: 

ANA: now look at gabe’s thighs:

ANA: 

SOMBRA: yah. and now look at THESE thighs!

SOMBRA: 

D.VA: ???

ANA: no disguise works if ur ass is a rectangle @SOLDIER 76

**[MERCY] pinned the message [ANA: no disguise works if ur ass is a rectangle @SOLDIER 76]**

MERCY: Never noticed that before…

MERCY: Soldier’s next visit may be painful :^)

REINHARDT: Do I need to start a Hall of Fame: Bad Friends™ Edition?

MERCY: There’s some empty space on one of the med bay walls. You can have that.

REINHARDT: I have a nice picture of Ana to hang up!

ANA: :(


	16. BIRTHDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone asked for more Bastion so here!

**[LÚCIO] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[BASTION] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

**[ZENYATTA] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

LÚCIO: hey everyone!

BASTION: Dwee woot boop beep?

LÚCIO: damn. i dont know omnic.

ZENYATTA: Bastion has asked if you know how Overwatch agents celebrate birthdays.

LÚCIO: i dont really know, buddy. i havent been here all that long.

BASTION: Doot doot! (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

ZENYATTA: They say ‘That’s all right’ or ‘It’s fine’.

LÚCIO: awww!

**[GENJI] reentered [OVERWATCH IS SO GAY]**

GENJI: hey lu, hey zen, hey bastion!

BASTION: Do-weet?

GENJI: old OW never really did anything big. too many people.

GENJI: we usually just got together in friend groups and did something small.

BASTION: Weeooo (〜^∇^)〜

GENJI: oh

GENJI: OH

**[GENJI] changed channel name to [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

GENJI: @EVERYONE TIME TO FUKIN PARTY

**[D.VA] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

D.VA: huh?????

GENJI: read the chat name u nerd

D.VA: oh. right. 

D.VA: but like… what gifts do you get an omnic???

ZENYATTA: Bastion likes flowers and plants.

D.VA: is there a shop nearby that sells plants? i want to get them something special.

ZENYATTA: According to my search, there is a suitable shop that carries a wide range of plants. It is in the town not to far from here.

D.VA: @EVERYONE reminder that it’s shopping day today. dm me ur lists if u need anything. for anything complex or specific, u have to come on the supply run.

BASTION: Doweoo boop zoop dwee. Dwoo zwee~ 

GENJI: Bastion says that you do not need to get them anything. They will be happy to have your company.

D.VA: im getting them something anyway because its for their garden.

BASTION: Woeee? ☆ヾ(*´・∀・)ﾉ

GENJI: The point of gifts is that they’re supposed to be a surprise.

BASTION: Dooweee?

GENJI: gifts are never meant to be bad surprises. you’ll like it.

D.VA: i promise you'll like it. its something you haven't got in your garden yet.

GENJI: dont give it away too much!

BASTION: Weoo doot. ( ^ ω ^ )

ZENYATTA: They say they trust you.

BASTION: Zwee wooo!

GENJI: ok bye Bastion!

**[BASTION] has left [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

D.VA: @EVERYONE

D.VA: REMINDER: IF U HAVENT PUT IT ON THE LIST, IT WONT GET BOUGHT.

D.VA: SUPPLY RUN LEAVES IN 1/2 HOUR.

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - SUBGROUP: BIRTHDAY PLANS - - -**

**[GENJI] created subgroup: [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[GENJI] added [ANA], [REINHARDT], [D.VA], [LÚCIO], [TRACER], [MERCY], [@MOD WINSTON]**

GENJI: @EVERYONE get in the party chat

**[ANA] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[TRACER] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[MERCY] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[REINHARDT] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[D.VA] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[LÚCIO] entered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

GENJI: alrighty I've picked overwatch’s best partiers to help with this thing. Angie and Winston are here to make sure things dont get as… wild… as they have in the past.

@MOD WINSTON: Yes, we do not need a repeat of The Whiskey Vodka Incident.

MERCY: Don’t remind me…

TRACER: so thats why jesse isn't in ere

ANA: i assume I'm here because I'm the only one who can bake?

GENJI: … yes.

TRACER: yes

MERCY: Yes.

D.VA: yea

LÚCIO: thats a lie. i can bake.

ANA: oh goodie! a volunteer!

D.VA: you lot need anything?? supply run’s about to leave. its me n hanzo.

LÚCIO: wait up!!! i want to get Bastion a present!!

D.VA: k lets roll


	17. How To Party

**\- - - CHANNEL: OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA - - -**

**[D.VA] reentered [OVERWATCH MOVIE CLUB BUT NOT FOR ANA]**

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

D.VA: @EVERYONE GET IN THE VOICE CHAT

**[ANA] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[BASTION] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[ZENYATTA] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[ZARYA] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[MERCY] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[MEI] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[ROADHOG] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[TRACER] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[EMILY] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[GENJI] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[HANZO] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

D.VA: k so like last time, the lovely athena is going to transcribe tonights events into the chat in case of drunken misadventures.

**[ATHENA: Chat text will be available to read later in the Transcribes channel. Whatever you say cannot be deleted.]**

GENJI: wait…

GENJI: Emily’s on base????

TRACER: yah she's here with me. flew her in this morning

GENJI: where are you??? everyone’s in the rec room but you two

TRACER: we’re literally right outside the rec room door

TRACER: hey lads! everyone say hi to emily!!

EMILY: Hey guys!

GENJI: hey

PHARAH: Hello.

JUNKRAT: HI

MEI: Hi!!

MERCY: It’s a little weird having a civilian on base, but hello and welcome!

D.VA: is everyone here yet???

MERCY: Yes, or at least, everyone who is part of Overwatch is.

D.VA: LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

D.VA: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION!!

ZARYA: …. I am uncomfortable here.

ANA: tough luck sweetheart

MEI: Play nice, Aleks.

ZARYA: …

ZARYA: Fine.

D.VA: …so idk what to do for an omnic birthday party… i know omnics cant eat but i got some food for those of us who can

D.VA: should we do presents now? mine will need watering soon

BASTION: Dweet!!

ZENYATTA: Bastion says ‘Okay’ or ‘Alright’.

D.VA: well then how about we gather round n give Bastion its presents?

BASTION: Dweeoo!!

ZENYATTA: The Bastion unit is expressing excitement.

LÚCIO: I got Bastion these for their garden!

BASTION: Zoop bwee weeooo! Boop dweeoot zwee.

ZENYATTA: Bastion says that they love it, as their trowel broke last week. I would assume they hadn't had time to get a new one.

D.VA: my gift is also for Bastion’s garden.

BASTION: Weeoooo! Dweet zoop!

ZENYATTA: Bastion says thank you, and that Hana was right. I assume this is about not having snapdragons in the garden yet?

D.VA: thats right!

SYMMETRA: I have designed a present for Bastion and their tiny friend Ganymede. I did require help from Winston to build it, so this present is from both of us.

@MOD WINSTON: It has insulation and heating for the winter and can be attached to almost any surface.

MEI: I knitted matching hats for Bastion and Ganymede, because they liked the one I made for Snowball.

BASTION: WEEOOO!!!（〜^∇^)〜

ZENYATTA: Bastion says ‘thank you’.

D.VA: no prob. anything for a friend!!

**[ATHENA: ATTENTION AGENTS: THERE IS AN UNKNOWN PERSON ON THE PREMISES. CAUTION HIGHLY ADVISED]**

D.VA: wait wHAT???

@MOD WINSTON: Everyone remain calm. Stay where you are.

@MOD WINSTON: Athena, please pull up the security feeds for the base.

**[ATHENA: Unable to bring up security feeds. Interference encountered]**

D.VA: WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO???

MERCY: Stay calm.

D.VA: WE’RE ALL ABOUT TO GET MURDERED AND YOURE TELLING US TO STAY CALM???

**[SOMBRA] entered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

SOMBRA: woah

SOMBRA: chill u guys. its just me. i came to party. no ones gettin murdered.

D.VA: wait what

ANA: lmao

**[ATHENA: False alarm. Resume your business.]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hana's present was snapdragons (also known as bunny rabbit flowers).  
> Lucio's present was a set of gardening tools and a frog statue that croaks when something passes it.  
> Satya and Winston's present was a bird house.  
> Mei's is knitted hats.  
> Sombra got Bastion a present too. Its a defence system to keep pests away from the vegetable garden.


	18. Old Boys Club Reunion

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

**[TRACER] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

TRACER: hey amelie ;)

TRACER: how you doin?

WIDOWMAKER: **…**

TRACER: wanna go out to dinner with me n emily??

WIDOWMAKER: **what even is this**

TRACER: … thats not how amelie types. who r u???

WIDOWMAKER: **why is she in here**

WIDOWMAKER: **what the FUCK is this**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

SOMBRA: lmao hi edgelord

SOMBRA: reaper what did u do to amelie?

WIDOWMAKER: **she's taking a nap**

TRACER: u wot mate???

TRACER: ill fukin fight u

WIDOWMAKER: **she’ll be fine**

**[MERCY] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

MERCY: Is there another enemy in chat?

TRACER: some edgelord took amelies comm

SOMBRA: @EVERYONE meet reaper aka gabriel reyes

SOMBRA: my edgelord coworker

SOLDIER 76: …

SOLDIER 76: Gabe???

WIDOWMAKER: **gabriel reyes is dead**

MERCY: Clearly not. Reyes had the same love of being dramatic.

SOLDIER 76: GABRIEL YOU BASTARD.

WIDOWMAKER: **gabriel reyes died in the explosion. there is only reaper now**

SOLDIER 76: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SPENT MOURNING YOUR DUMB EMO ASS?

WIDOWMAKER: **no and i dont care**

SOMBRA: lmao he’s always staring at a picture of u in his wallet

WIDOWMAKER: **SOMBRA**

SOLDIER 76: I missed you, Gabe.

WIDOWMAKER: **…**

WIDOWMAKER: **i missed you too.**

TRACER: is gabe crying??? i bet hes crying??

WIDOWMAKER: **stfu**

SOMBRA: yah hes crying and looking at his photo of jack.

WIDOWMAKER: **FUCK YOU**

SOMBRA: give amelie back her comm, edgelord.

WIDOWMAKER: **NO**

SOMBRA: see this is the kind of bullshit i have to put up with at work

SOMBRA: i never should have joined talon

WIDOWMAKER: **ill tell the bosses that you're deserting**

SOMBRA: i dont care

WIDOWMAKER: **im gonnaaASDFGHJKOIEUFHB**

SOMBRA: ???

WIDOWMAKER: Mon dieu.

WIDOWMAKER: He is irritating.

TRACER: hey you're back!!

WIDOWMAKER: Reaper will not be bothering us for a while. He has to reform his body.

**[SOMBRA] added [REAPER]**

SOMBRA: he’ll bug us forever if we dont add him so i did.

WIDOWMAKER: Putain de merde.

**[TRACER] pinned the message [WIDOWMAKER: Putain de merde.]**

WIDOWMAKER: And to answer your question, Lena: non.

TRACER: why not????? :(

WIDOWMAKER: I’m busy.

SOLDIER 76: The lot of you need to stop hanging out with Talon agents.

TRACER: like thats ever going to happen, mr i-keep-a-picture-of-gabriel-reyes-by-my-bed

SOMBRA: OH SHIT

SOMBRA: GET TOLD

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

SOMBRA: @D.VA

SOMBRA: BABE LOOK AT THIS

**[D.VA] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY BASTION]**

D.VA: LMAO GAAAAAYYYYY

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

WIDOWMAKER: Overwatch is very gay.

D.VA: DUH

D.VA: @EVERYONE

D.VA: AIGHT WHO WANTS TO PLACE BETS ON WHEN JACK N GABE FINALLY FUCK??

WIDOWMAKER: I’m putting $20 on some time in the next two weeks.

SOMBRA: $40 on next mission.

MERCY: $100 that they ditch the next mission to go fuck. :^)

D.VA: a whole bunch of ppl just dm’ed me their bets. I'm gonna ask hanzo to help me whip up a spreadsheet for this since he’s the bet master.


	19. Stale Memes Can Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

SOMBRA: im bored

SOMBRA: @EVERYONE what do u lot do when ur bored??

**[D.VA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

D.VA: lmao hi babe

D.VA: when im bored i play games. play something i havent touched in a while n when i get bored doing that, i go find someone on base to chill with

D.VA: n sometimes i work out ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

SOMBRA: lmao talon’s gym is shit

SOMBRA: want to do something ~fun~

D.VA: like as in fun ;) or fun >:)

SOMBRA: fun >:)

D.VA: dm me. no spilling plans in the main chat

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - DIRECT MESSAGE: D.VA & SOMBRA - - -**

D.VA: k so whats the plan???

SOMBRA: dont have one yet

SOMBRA: get ur thinking hat on

D.VA: im thinking

D.VA: k so lets start off by leaving Satya out of this

D.VA: n maybe start with something simple???

SOMBRA: yes to both

SOMBRA: but what do we do????

D.VA: well… i kinda wanna get back at cowboi for what he did after date night. everyone already knew what was up but he had to go and blab to Jack n Angie when we got back.

D.VA: Old man yelled at me n i got the most awkward Safe Sex Talk™ from Angie

SOMBRA: ya so lets go for the cowman. he had it coming

D.VA: i have a plan

SOMBRA: ???

D.VA: >:)

D.VA: 

D.VA: enjoy ur new hat, McCree

SOMBRA: im going to be sick thats so ugly

SOMBRA: how r u going to get one???

D.VA: idk cant leave base.

SOMBRA: dw im coming over

D.VA: AWWW BABE!!! <3

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE - - -**

**[MCCREE] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

MCCREE: @EVERYONE ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YALL TOOK MY FUCKIN HAT???

**[ANA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[REAPER] entered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[D.VA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

ANA: idk but thank u whoever took it.

REAPER: **never seeing that hat again would be nice**

MCCREE: ok rude

MCCREE: but seriously y’all...

MCCREE: what y'all left me has me real keen to get a one-way ticket

MCCREE: i hate it xdrrftgysdfghuhlj,

ANA: ??

MCCREE: did y'all hear that???? something exploded just now

**[REINHARDT] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

REINHARDT: Worry not, friends! It was merely the bathroom near the briefing room!

ANA: like… the one thats next to my quarters???

REINHARDT: I believe so…

ANA: …

ANA: @EVERYONE AIGHT BITCHES WHO DID IT??? MAMA’S GUN ISNT HEALING TODAY.

**[ANA] went idle**

D.VA: HOLY FUCK SOMEONES GONNA DIE

D.VA: PROBABLY JAMISON

MCCREE: y'all aint given me my hat back.

MCCREE: its time to suffer.

D.VA: IF YOU BLAST COUNTRY MUSIC IN THIS BASE I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS.

D.VA: TURN IT OFF OR I NUKE THE BASE

**[LÚCIO] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[GENJI] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTING IN A TREE]**

LÚCIO: PLEASE S TOP

GENJI: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

GENJI: @MERCY IM DYING FOR REAL THIS TIME

REINHARDT: JESSE STOP

MCCREE: give me my hat an’ ill stop

GENJI: JESSE P LEA SE

MCCREE: nah

REINHARDT: I HAVE FOUND A PRICELESS [TREASURE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-HUgzYPm9g)!!!

ANA: …

ANA: ur dead to me

SOMBRA: i knew there was a reason i hacked this chat

D.VA: come join overwatch n u can get all this and so much more~ ;)

SOMBRA: !!!

SOMBRA: … ill think about it…

REAPER: **dont you dare**


	20. Crime & Punishment

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[MERCY] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

@MOD WINSTON: @EVERYONE. The events that occurred earlier are to NEVER happen again. All agents involved are to CEASE pranking, return all items stolen, and assist in clean up and chores around base for the next two weeks.

@MOD WINSTON: Are we clear?

**[D.VA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[ANA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

REINHARDT: I understand.

ANA: yea

D.VA: k

SOMBRA: fine

D.VA: truce?

MCCREE: as long as i get my hat back.

ANA: yea

REINHARDT: Truce.

SOMBRA: truce

MERCY: Both Jamison and Genji are hospitalised and will not be able to read this, however, I read it to them and they have both agreed to do any punishment that @MOD WINSTON deals out.

MERCY: Jamison has taken one bullet to the thigh, and Genji is having shards of glass picked out of his butt armour. Please keep this in mind.

@MOD WINSTON: Jack and I have decided on your punishments.

SOLDIER 76: Ana is filing Angela’s paperwork for the next two weeks.

ANA: lmao thats fair

SOLDIER 76: Jesse is banned from using the Watchpoint PA system for the foreseeable future.

MCCREE: y'all suck

SOLDIER 76: Reinhardt is cleaning the kitchen after every meal for the next two weeks.

SOLDIER 76: Hana is grounded and won’t be leaving base for the next two weeks, and Sombra is banned from coming onto Watchpoint grounds or meeting up with Overwatch agents for two weeks.

SOLDIER 76: And finally, Genji is paying for the window he smashed and jumped out of, and Jamison is banned from making, playing with, designing, or using explosives and weapons for two weeks.

D.VA: aww no fair!

SOMBRA: ya what if im coming to join overwatch???

SOLDIER 76: Your punishment may be shortened, should you show up on base and actually want to join.

SOMBRA: ill think about it, dad.

SOLDIER 76: Don’t call me dad.

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[REAPER] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

REAPER: **why is THAT the channel name??**

D.VA: is it bothering u?

REAPER: **no**

D.VA: then y u asking??

REAPER: **…**

REAPER: **fuck off**

SOMBRA: leave my girlfriend alone

D.VA: yeah go away edgelord.

**[GENJI] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

GENJI: WHATS UP LOSERS??

SOMBRA: lmao are you done having shards of glass pulled out of your ass cheeks?

GENJI: fuk u. i did what had to be done

**[HANZO] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

HANZO: My brother is a fool.

GENJI: fuk u too.

MCCREE: @GENJI did it hurt?

GENJI: when i fell from heaven?

MCCREE: when you fell out the window.

GENJI: oh.

GENJI: no. i am a cyborg ninja. a few shards of glass cant hurt me.

MERCY: He came in crying and squealed every time I pulled one out. :^)

GENJI: !!!

GENJI: ANGELA!!!

GENJI: HOW COULD YOU???

GENJI: BETRAYED BY MY OWN DOCTOR!!!

MCCREE: Angie’d sell you for a bottle of vodka, Genji.

MERCY: Are you making an offer?

MCCREE: no

HANZO: Yes.

MERCY: I’d sell both Genji and Jesse for one hour of peace and quiet.

HANZO: Go ahead.

MCCREE: ok first of all: RUDE

GENJI: how very brotherly of you.

HANZO: Genji is worth a half jar of mustard pickles.

GENJI: YOURE WORTH A HALF JAR OF MUSTARD PICKLES.

MERCY: Children, please.

D.VA: hey gay cowboi, can i use the other hat for target practise???

MCCREE: go ahead.


	21. THINK OF THE CHILDREN

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

@MOD WINSTON: @EVERYONE Attention agents: This is an important announcement. In a few minutes, I will add and introduce our newest members to this chat. Due to the age of our new member, they will not be directly in this chat and will receive a filtered version, should they wish to communicate with the group.

**[@MOD WINSTON] added [ORISA] and [EFI OLADELE]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] enabled restrictions: _filter/child_protection_ ] **

@MOD WINSTON: Please welcome our new agents and please be respectful of the guidelines on dealing with children.

**[TRACER] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[EMILY] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

TRACER: uhhh….

TRACER: hi???

TRACER: idk how to talk children.

EMILY: I’m aware.

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

**[REAPER] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

WIDOWMAKER: There is a child in this chat.

SOMBRA: yea

WIDOWMAKER: A child.

SOMBRA: a genius and inventor, but yea. a child.

SOMBRA: im very aware that you have no idea how to talk to children, Amé.

**[D.VA] reentered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

D.VA: STEP 1: maybe dont mention that ur an assassin???

WIDOWMAKER: I will put a bullet in your head.

D.VA: STEP 2: dont threaten overwatch agents.

**[ORISA] entered [JACK AND GABE SITTIN IN A TREE]**

ORISA: Hello! In just a few moments, Efi will be in the chat. Please be kind. She is only eleven.

D.VA: !!! an actual child !!!

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

WIDOWMAKER: …

**[EFI OLADELE] entered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[EFI OLADELE] changed name to [EFI]**

EFI: Hello Overwatch!

SOMBRA: uhhh

WIDOWMAKER: Sombra… Don’t.

REAPER: **….**

EMILY: Hello…

ORISA: Is this not Overwatch?

TRACER: yes… there’s just… some folks who invited themselves in.

EFI: I know who Sombra is. I know who Tracer and Winston are. Who are the rest of you?

SOMBRA: she knows me because I'm cool.

WIDOWMAKER: Cool? Non.

TRACER: Emily’s my girlfriend. The rest of them are uninvited guests.

EFI: ???

ORISA: There are Talon agents in this chat.

WIDOWMAKER: Thank you for stating the obvious.

EFI: Uhhh… Hi guys, I guess??

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

SYMMETRA: Is this chat really the most appropriate way to communicate with a child?

@MOD WINSTON: Orisa and Efi are mostly based in Numbani, and this is the most secure and effective way to communicate with them.

SYMMETRA: I worry that some of our… less helpful… members will be damaging to her education and vocabulary.

SOMBRA: thats Satya-speak for ‘im worried the rebels will teach her about sex and swearing’

SOMBRA: she's eleven, not eight. and she's a genius.

EFI: I did build Orisa by myself.

@MOD WINSTON: Nevertheless, I have still engaged child protection filters on Miss Oladele’s account to filter out some of our agent’s more… inappropriate… stories and chatter. Athena will be filtering her access to this chat, so the filters should work well.

ORISA: Please do not teach her to swear. I do not wish to explain to her parents why she knows those words in multiple languages.

SYMMETRA: Is it not a little dangerous to have Talon agents in the same chat as a child?

SOMBRA: this chat is already useless for any info gathering they want to do. besides, i work for myself.

SYMMETRA: …

SOMBRA: dont u worry babe <3

SOMBRA: once u meet her, you'll understand. she's cool.

SYMMETRA: Usually, I would not be inclined to trust your judgement, but under the circumstances, I will back down.

D.VA: dont u worry. we’ll take good care of her.

D.VA: by that, i mean ill never leave her unsupervised with cowboi or cyborg leprechaun.

D.VA: OH! ALSO: love u babe <3

SYMMETRA: …

SYMMETRA: <3

**[SYMMETRA] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

EFI: Someone ought to tell me how these people work.

D.VA: dw E. ill make u a diagram to get u all caught up.

EFI: Thank you!

D.VA: no problemo.

**[D.VA] went idle**

SOMBRA: so…. what now???

TRACER: idk

EMILY: No clue.

WIDOWMAKER: I don’t care.

D.VA: im back lol

D.VA: here

D.VA: 

EFI: Thank you!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO: happy 4th of july u filthy americans, love, the ausies.


	22. What's the Use of Feeling Blue?

**[TRACER] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[EMILY] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

TRACER: ello luv!!!

WIDOWMAKER: …

TRACER: wot

WIDOWMAKER: I have some questions…

SOMBRA: ???

TRACER: questions???

WIDOWMAKER: Can you not read?

TRACER: OI!! i can fuckin read u blue bully.

WIDOWMAKER: I didn’t know the English could read!

TRACER: RUDE!!

EMILY: What questions did you have, Amélie? I’m sure I can help if the others are unwilling to cooperate.

WIDOWMAKER: Thank you, Emily.

WIDOWMAKER: My first question is: do you know what ended up happening with the gauntlet?

TRACER: as far as i know its still there??? why?? r u tryna steal it again??

WIDOWMAKER: I have no interest in the gauntlet. I was simply curious.

SOMBRA: what? r u worried about lena Amé???

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

WIDOWMAKER: Shut up, Sombra.

SOMBRA: i kno u like her.

WIDOWMAKER: I had other questions, but it’s clear that most of you are unhelpful at best.

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

SOMBRA: LMAO SHES SO GAY

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: ur pretty gay too

SOMBRA: tru

TRACER: what now??

SOMBRA: idk

EMILY: …

SOMBRA: …

TRACER: …

SOMBRA: so r u gonna ask her???

TRACER: wot

SOMBRA: r u gonna ask amé out???

TRACER: she said no last time

SOMBRA: so???

SOMBRA: she wants to tho.

TRACER: how do u know???

SOMBRA: amé and i r friends

SOMBRA: i know these things

EMILY: Lena, you’ll never know if you don’t ask her.

TRACER: i really want to em. she's still pretty intimidating.

SOMBRA: intimidating???

SOMBRA: i watched her stalk a cat on our last mission.

SOMBRA: she sat on a roof patting it instead of watching the grunts.

TRACER: ok ill ask her. can u all stay in chat tho??? just incase??

SOMBRA: Satya’s pretty intimidating and i managed to ask her out. u can do this.

TRACER: yah. no pressure or anything

SOMBRA: lmao

EMILY: It’ll be fine.

TRACER: here we go…

TRACER: @WIDOWMAKER

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

WIDOWMAKER: What do you want, Lena?

TRACER: r u busy tonight??

WIDOWMAKER: No.

TRACER: would u like to go out to dinner with em and i??

EMILY: Only if you want to though.

WIDOWMAKER: Is this a joke, cherie?

EMILY: It’s not a joke.

TRACER: I've been wanting to ask u out for a while.

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: You are aware that I am an internationally wanted assassin, non?

TRACER: yea.

TRACER: overwatch is still a criminal organisation.

EMILY: Gibraltar tends to look the other way for them though.

TRACER: there’s a nice place in town that doesn’t really care who walks through the door as long as they pay for their meals.

WIDOWMAKER: That does sound nice.

WIDOWMAKER: I would like to have some real food, for once. Dinner sounds lovely. When and where?

TRACER: can u make 7 at the italian place in gib tonight???

WIDOWMAKER: That sounds reasonable.

WIDOWMAKER: @SOMBRA

SOMBRA: yes araña??

WIDOWMAKER: Can you arrange an escape for the night?

SOMBRA: sure thing chica.

WIDOWMAKER: Bien.

WIDOWMAKER: @EMILY @TRACER I will see you at 7.

TRACER: <3

EMILY: <3

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

SOMBRA: that was adorable

TRACER: shut up

SOMBRA: lol

SOMBRA: u 2 will be good for her.

EMILY: Awww!!

TRACER: thats sweet.

SOMBRA: right. thats enough sappiness today.

TRACER: u shut up. we all know ur sappy with Satya and Hana.

SOMBRA: mind ur goddamn business

TRACER: u first.

SOMBRA: fuck u.

TRACER: fuck u too.

**[TRACER] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[EMILY] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[SOMBRA] has left [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**


	23. Junkrat and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[MERCY] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

**[ROADHOG] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

JUNKRAT: C AN SO MEO NE HEL PPLEASE

ROADHOG: (´・(oo)・｀)

ROADHOG: What happened?

JUNKRAT: I M S TUCK

MERCY: Where are you?

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

TORBJÖRN: The workshop.

MERCY: …. 

MERCY: I’m on my way.

JUNKRAT: THA N KS

ROADHOG: You wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't go looking for trouble.

MERCY: ^^^ :^)

**[MERCY] pinned the message [ROADHOG: You wouldn’t be in this situation if you didn’t go looking for trouble]**

JUNKRAT: FCUK AL L OF YOUSE.

MERCY: Youse.

JUNKRAT: WHAT S W RONG WIT HYOUSE? ??

MERCY: A lot.

JUNKRAT: JUS T HU RRY UP AND F RE E ME.

MERCY: I’m on my way. Be patient.

**[MERCY] went idle**

**[JUNKRAT] went idle**

ROADHOG: Hmph.

TORBJÖRN: Jamison talks too much.

**[ROADHOG] pinned the message [TORBJÖRN: Jamison talks too much]**

JUNKRAT: FREE AT LAST

JUNKRAT: ITS FOOD TIME

MERCY: Come back here! I haven’t checked your arm!

**[GENJI] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

GENJI: hes not gonna come back ange. you know he hates the med bay.

MERCY: He’s giving me grey hairs.

GENJI: herding overwatch agents will do that to u.

JUNKRAT: YOULL NEVER CATCH MEERSYTDJFGH4Y5/P;;O/09BOIJ.HUYGFTDR[‘’0-98

MERCY: ???

MERCY: What on Earth???

**[D.VA] reentered [TOTALLY CHILD-FRIENDLY CHAT]**

D.VA: YOOOO!!!!

D.VA: JAMIE JUST FACEPLANTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MESS HALL!!!

**[MERCY] pinned the message [JUNKRAT: YOULL NEVER CATCH MEERSYTDJFGH4Y5/P;;O/09BOIJ.HUYGFTDR[‘’0-98]**

MERCY: :^)

MERCY: Karma.

GENJI: u kno he ded

D.VA: TOTALLY BIT THE DUST

MERCY: He’s not ACTUALLY dead, is he?

D.VA: no

D.VA: his leg came off tho

D.VA: one day jamie will do something dumb and actually die.

**[MERCY] changed channel name to [JUNKRAT: HUMAN DISASTER]**

JUNKRAT: D ONT ATTA CK ME LI KET HIS

**[MERCY] pinned the message [JUNKRAT: D ONT ATTA CK ME LI KET HIS]**

MERCY: I’m just telling the truth. :^)

JUNKRAT: FUCK OFF

JUNKRAT: MY LEG IS BACK ON

JUNKRAT: FUCK YOUSE ALL ILL GO EAT ON MY OWN

D.VA: aww poor baby.

D.VA: im not even gonna think of putting money on when and where his next accident will be. too many possibilities.

MERCY: Probability of third accident today: 97%

JUNKRAT: STOP BULLYING ME

**[ROADHOG] pinned the message [MERCY: Probability of third accident today: 97%]**

JUNKRAT: RUDE

**[JUNKRAT] went idle**

D.VA: lmao

D.VA: ~what could possibly happen next??~ (¬__¬)

MERCY: Oh god, don’t say that. You’ll jinx us.

D.VA: what a fun daYWHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!?

MERCY: Jamison, probably.

D.VA: did he nuke the base or something???? cause thats what it sounded like.

MERCY: @ATHENA Incident report, please.

**[ATHENA: Incident report: 4:47PM, July 20. Large explosion occurred on the roof of Watchpoint: Gibraltar, courtesy of Agent Jamison Fawkes (JUNKRAT). Minor damage. No casualties. No life-threatening injuries.]**

MERCY: Thank you. Damage report, please.

**[ATHENA: Of course, Doctor Ziegler. Damage report of incident on July 20, at 4:47PM: One radio antenna destroyed. Minor exterior damage to the roof. No internal or structural damage. Injuries to one (1) agent. Agent Jamison Fawkes received cuts and burns. Prosthetic leg destroyed. Prosthetic arm damaged. Not in need of immediate medical assistance.]**

MERCY: Thank you, Athena. Please send copies to both Soldier 76 and Winston.

**[ATHENA: My pleasure, Doctor.]**

MERCY: @MOD WINSTON @SOLDIER 76

MERCY: Please have a word with Agent Fawkes about the use of explosives on and around the base outside of the designated labs and testing rooms.

D.VA: YIKES™

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [JUNKRAT: HUMAN DISASTER]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [JUNKRAT: HUMAN DISASTER]**

SOLDIER 76: Usually I wouldn't condone the use of swear words, but in light of recent events:

SOLDIER 76: What. The. Actual. Fuck.

**[@MOD WINSTON] pinned the message [SOLDIER 76: Usually I wouldn’t condone the use of swear words, but in light of recent events:]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] pinned the message [SOLDIER 76: What. The. Actual. Fuck.]**

D.VA: LMAOOO JAMIE IS A DEAD MAN

GENJI: U KNO HE DED

**[MERCY] pinned the message [GENJI: U KNO HE DED]**


	24. DOOM™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhh... whoops.

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [JUNKRAT: HUMAN DISASTER]**

@MOD WINSTON: @EVERYONE

@MOD WINSTON: ATTENTION ALL AGENTS: Orisa has just contacted me to let me know there was a break in at the museum in Numbani, and the Doomfist Gauntlet is gone. All agents are advised to be on high alert during missions and to keep record of anything seen.

@MOD WINSTON: Please be advised that it is inadvisable to make contact with any outside organisations at this time, and please remember to not post sensitive information in this chat.

**[ANA] reentered [JUNKRAT: HUMAN DISASTER]**

**[ANA] changed channel name to [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

ANA: HOORAY!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

**[@MOD WINSTON] went idle**

**[TRACER] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

TRACER: translation: no chit chat with ya talon bfs/gfs

ANA: RIP: LENA, EMILY, JACK, HANA, AND SATYA.

**[SOMBRA] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

**[D.VA] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

D.VA: NOOO!!! MY GF!!!!!

D.VA: (╥﹏╥)

SOMBRA: YAH. RUDE.

SOMBRA: IM A FREELANCER

TRACER: yah. ur a good friend winston.

TRACER: im sorry but no can do. not giving up date night for that

@MOD WINSTON: @EVERYONE. ATTENTION ALL AGENTS: Athena has just notified me of breaking news considering a prison escape from a maximum-security facility. The escapee is Akande Ogundimu, and it is believed he has taken the gauntlet and the title of Doomfist and returned to Talon, where he serves on their council. Please keep watch for any signs of this dangerous man.

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

D.VA: HOOOOO BOY!!!

D.VA: WHOS READY TO DIE???

SOMBRA: OH SWEET EMBRACE OF DEATH, HOW I LONG FOR THEE.

ANA: lmao calm down shakespeare.

ANA: u work with the dude.

SOMBRA: yah and he and gabe have been talking doom and destruction and death all day

SOMBRA: im trying to work

SOMBRA: and they wont fukin leave

ANA: REST IN PIECES SOMBRA

ANA: @EVERYONE prayer circle for sombra in the kitchen. 10 mins.

**[MERCY] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

MERCY: Ana, you haven’t been religious in years.

ANA: stfu angie

ANA: we must pray for sombra. shes dying over there.

MERCY: …

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

WIDOWMAKER: It’s not that bad. He does not bother me.

ANA: ^^ thats because u always look angry

WIDOWMAKER: I will shoot you again, Amari.

ANA: lol id like to see u try.

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

TRACER: dont antagonise her ana. youll ruin date night :(

MERCY: Date night should not be happening, Lena.

TRACER: whatever u say, mum.

**[REAPER] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

REAPER: **DEATH COMES**

ANA: lmao *DEATH COMES (then rolls over and goes to sleep)

D.VA: hey edgelord

TRACER: hi gabe.

REAPER: **do not call me that**

D.VA: whatever u want, edgy bedsheet ghost.

ANA: lmao hi hot topic accident

REAPER: **i will kill all of you**

ANA: u been trying for years n u aint got me yet

ANA: so…. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

REAPER: **fuck you**

ANA: no thanx. I'm not into necrophilia

D.VA: LMAOOOOO

REAPER: **ill add akande to the chat**

SOMBRA: NO

D.VA: DONT DO IT

ANA: DONT

SOMBRA: DONT U DARE

MERCY: Please don’t.

TRACER: NO DONT

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

WIDOWMAKER: Do not.

SOLDIER 76: Don’t do that.

**[ATHENA: I would recommend that you do not do that, Mr. Reyes.]**

REAPER: **FUCK YOU ALL**

**[REAPER] added [AKANDE OGUNDIMU]**

**[ATHENA: Fine.]**

**[ATHENA] has enabled protocol: _edit/account/akande_ogundimu_ **

**[ATHENA] has enabled protocol: _restrictions/functions/private_message_ **

**[ATHENA] has enabled protocol: _restrictions/functions/subgroup_chat_ **

**[ATHENA] has enabled restrictions: _filter/doomfist_censor_ **

**[ATHENA] has enabled restrictions: _filter/info_block_ **

SOMBRA: LMAO

SOMBRA: WAIT LEMME JUST…

**[SOMBRA] changed [restriction: _filter/doomfist_censor_ ] to [restriction: _filter/dickfist_censor_ ]**

SOMBRA: THERE!! MUCH BETTER!!

**[ATHENA: I am not about to object to this change]**

SOMBRA: LEMME JUST ADD SOMETHING.

**[SOMBRA] created protocol: _admin/function/edit/screen_name_ **

**[SOMBRA] enabled protocol: _admin/function/edit/screen_name_ **

**[AKANDE OGUNDIMU] changed name to [DICKFIST]**

SOMBRA: ALL DONE.

**[ATHENA: … I do not object to this either]**

REAPER: **SOMBRA WHY???**

SOMBRA: FUCK YOU THATS WHY

**[SOLDIER 76] pinned the message [SOMBRA: FUCK YOU THATS WHY]**

**[REAPER] has left [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

SOMBRA: JAJAJAJA

D.VA: LMAOOOOOO


	25. Summer Lovin'

**[SOMBRA] reentered [CERTAIN DOOM™]**

**[SOMBRA] changed channel name to [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

SOMBRA: @EVERYONE

SOMBRA: WAKE THE FUCK UP BITCHES. ITS SUMMER TIME

**[D.VA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

D.VA: HELL YEAH!! SUMMER TIME!!

SOMBRA: luv me sum sunshine

D.VA: (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ

D.VA: so what do we usually do in the summers here??

**[REINHARDT] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

REINHARDT: Old Overwatch used to do a special thing…

**[ANA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[GENJI] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ANA: no rein

TORBJÖRN: Do not.

SOLDIER 76: That is a very bad idea, Reinhardt.

GENJI: yah how about no.

**[TRACER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: YESSS!!! SUMMER GAMES!!!

REINHARDT: IT’S SUMMER GAMES TIME!

ANA: sigh

ANA: is it too late to quit overwatch?

REINHARDT: Don’t be such a wet blanket, Ana. It will be fun!

GENJI: ugh. sand.

D.VA: @GENJI: “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”

GENJI: BLOCKED.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [D.VA: @GENJI: “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

@MOD WINSTON: The games will be good for team bonding! It won’t do us any good to stay cooped up inside all summer!

ANA: geez ok

ANA: so are we going to the beach like every other year?

REINHARDT: Of course! The beach is half the fun!

ANA: lmao go pack ur shit everyone

SOMBRA: TIME FOR SUN!!

SOLDIER 76: The Talon kids aren't invited.

SOMBRA: lighten up old man

SOMBRA: besides, im coming anyway whether u like it or not

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

SOMBRA: lmao im gonna go pack n make sure we leave dickfist behind

SOMBRA: @D.VA @SYMMETRA see u at the beach <3

D.VA: see u there!! <3

**[D.VA] pinned the message [SOMBRA: @D.VA @SYMMETRA see u at the beach <3]**

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

SYMMETRA: I suppose I shall see you there, Sombra… <3

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [SYMMETRA: I suppose I shall see you there, Sombra… <3]**

**[SOMBRA] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[SYMMETRA] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ANA: lmao… young love.

ANA: @PHARAH

**[PHARAH] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

PHARAH: What do you want, Mother?

ANA: is ur gf gonna be extra this year too??

PHARAH: I don’t know.

PHARAH: And Angela isn’t my girlfriend.

ANA: … sure … you keep telling urself that

PHARAH: Mother…

D.VA: lmao i caught u making out with angie in the med bay last week tho

PHARAH: Hana, don’t.

ANA: o my!! tell me everything!!!

PHARAH: If you tell her anything, I will get Athena to throttle the wifi next time you’re streaming.

D.VA: YOU WOULDNT

PHARAH: I won’t if you keep your mouth shut.

**[MERCY] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

MERCY: @EVERYONE Hallo! I hope everyone is looking forward to the Summer Games! @MOD WINSTON would like me to let you all know that we will be leaving on Friday morning, which is in four (4) days! Make sure you’re all packed before Friday! A list of recommended items to bring is available via the attachment to this week’s announcement email.

D.VA: ANGIE I HAVE A QUESTION

PHARAH: Tell her nothing, Angela.

D.VA: DONT LISTEN TO HER. ITS NOTHING BAD.

MERCY: I can read up, you know.

ANA: LMAO

ANA: stop wasting time!! go pack!!

D.VA: lol for someone who doesn't like these summer games, u sure are pretty excited.

ANA: next time u need healing I'm shooting u in the ass

MERCY: Why are you both like this?

ANA: lmao

**[MERCY] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**


	26. #NOMERCY

**[MERCY] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

MERCY: @EVERYONE Are all of you packed? You should have used the list I provided on the email (or found via hacking my account, Sombra). We leave in ~30 minutes. We will not be returning to the Watchpoint should you have happened to have forgotten something. Further updates will be provided as we approach departure time.

**[D.VA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

D.VA: @MERCY what about Efi and Orisa?? and Emily???

MERCY: Efi and Orisa will be making their own way from Numbani and meeting us there. Tracer left yesterday to pick up her girlfriend. They landed an hour ago and will be travelling with us.

D.VA: AWESOME!!

**[EMILY] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

EMILY: It’ll be nice to see you all again!!

**[TRACER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: @WIDOWMAKER said she misses u, em.

EMILY: AWWWW <3

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

WIDOWMAKER: I did nothing of the sort.

TRACER: liar

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: Fine. I did miss you, cherie.

EMILY: I missed you too.

WIDOWMAKER: I have a surprise for you two, so you best hurry up.

TRACER: A SURPRISE??? ;)

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: !!!!!

TRACER: i am so turned on right now.

MERCY: Too much information, Lena.

TRACER: :P

TRACER: can we leave now ang????

MERCY: No. We are still waiting on Aleks and Mei.

**[REAPER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

REAPER: **will you lot hurry the fuck up**

REAPER: **sombra wont stop asking when you're getting here**

TRACER: chill gabe

TRACER: we all know ur just impatient to see jack again.

REAPER: **ill kill you**

TRACER: W O W

TRACER: RUDE

TRACER: @WIDOWMAKER ur colleague is threatening to kill me.

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

WIDOWMAKER: Why are you like this, Reyes?

REAPER: **ill kill you too**

WIDOWMAKER: Do not threaten me. I will quit and join Overwatch.

WIDOWMAKER: Your ridiculous outfit does not help.

EMILY: If anyone hurts Lena, I will kill them.

REAPER: **lol as if**

REAPER: **and my outfit isnt bad**

WIDOWMAKER: She is very serious, Reyes, and very good with a gun.

WIDOWMAKER: It… what does Hana call it?… It makes you look like an ‘edgelord’.

D.VA: ya

D.VA: it really does tbh

**[REAPER] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: LOCAL EMO VS SPIDERWOMAN

TRACER: LOCAL EMO ELIMINATED

TRACER: SPIDERWOMAN WINS!!!!

**[ZARYA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[MEI] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ZARYA: Worry not! We are here!

D.VA: ….

D.VA: were u 2 making out???

MEI: No.

ZARYA: No.

TRACER: dont lie to us like this

MEI: (#^.^#)

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ZARYA: Do not.

MERCY: @EVERYONE Get on the Orca please.

D.VA: LMAO

TRACER: lol

MERCY: …

MERCY: Just… Get on the Orca. Please.

TRACER: alright alright

**[ATHENA: Everyone is present and accounted for.]**

MERCY: Let’s go then.

MERCY: @EVERYONE If any of you say you’ve forgotten something once we’re in the air… then so help me god, I will throw you off this ship.

MERCY: …

MERCY: No one?

MERCY: Good.

TRACER: #NOMERCY

MERCY: :^)


	27. Beach House

**[TRACER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[ANA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[EFI] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

EFI: So… are we all staying together?

ANA: ya where r we even staying @MERCY

TRACER: oooo!!! is it beachfront????

**[MERCY] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

MERCY: I didn’t arrange the accommodation. Ask Winston.

TRACER: …

TRACER: @MOD WINSTON

TRACER: WHERE R WE STAYING?????

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ANA: we better not be camping

EFI: Hey! I like camping!!!

@MOD WINSTON: No, Ana. We’re not camping. I’ll ask Athena to land in just a few miles.

TRACER: r we staying at a watchpoint???

@MOD WINSTON: Not quite, Lena. You’ll see it out your window in just a few moments.

ANA: …

ANA: the orcas dont have any windows.

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

EFI: Ok… so how do we get there???

**[SOMBRA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

SOMBRA: dw E. i know where they're going. we’ll come find u and we can travel together.

ANA: … are u with spider and edgelord and dickfist???

SOMBRA: lmao ya but we left dickbutt at home. he doesn't like the beach anyway

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

WIDOWMAKER: He refuses to take off the gauntlet.

SOMBRA: he uses it to cheat at volleyball

SOMBRA: wait up E!! I see u!!

**[SOMBRA] went idle**

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: I refuse to run to catch up with her.

EFI: Don’t worry!! We’ll wait for you!!

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: Merci.

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ANA: ok but where r we staying???

SOMBRA: we’re already there. i can see u guys.

ANA: oh goodie!!

ANA: whats it look like??

SOMBRA: a beach house. it looks like a beach house.

ANA: helpful.

SOMBRA: ur about to land anyway, so you’ll see it soon.

SOMBRA: ugh we should just all switch to voice chat before you get off.

ANA: but is Athena running there???

MERCY: I would assume so.

ANA: k. @EVERYONE hop in voice chat.

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - CHANNEL: BASTION’S BIRTHDAY - - -**

**[ANA] reentered [BASTION’S BIRTHDAY]**

**[ANA] changed channel name to [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

ANA: @EVERYONE

**[MERCY] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[EFI] entered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[ORISA] entered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[REAPER] entered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[EMILY] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[TRACER] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[D.VA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[ROADHOG] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[MEI] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[GENJI] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[HANZO] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[ZARYA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[ZENYATTA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[BASTION] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

ANA: fuck thats a lot of people

MERCY: And you’ll be sharing a house with all of them.

ANA: i miss my gun.

MERCY: Too bad.


	28. Obligatory Beach Episode

**\- - - CHANNEL: BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME - - -**

ANA: u better not go anywhere folks!!!

MCCREE: yaint my mom

MERCY: …. She pretty much is.

ANA: i will sleep dart u in ur ass jesse mccree

ANA: what r u even wearing tbh??

MCCREE: im a life guard!! I'm doing my job!!!

ANA: u look like a loser

ANA: …

ANA: EVERYONE GET YA ASSES ON THE BEACH!!!

MCCREE: i thought you hated the summer games???

ANA: keep ur trap shut loser

WIDOWMAKER: Are we going to do anything? Because I intend to lay in the sun for the whole day.

SOMBRA: IM GONNA TOUCH EVERY STARFISH I CAN FIND

SYMMETRA: That… is not as bad as what I expected.

SYMMETRA: I also intend to lay in the sun for a while.

D.VA: lmao ill burn. im gonna touch starfish too.

SYMMETRA: Have fun, darling. Take some pictures for me.

ANA: lol r u really gonna stand round kissing??

ANA: thats gay

SOMBRA: well yeah, I'm gay

MERCY: Make sure you all put on sunblock now and come back to reapply regularly!

ANA: lol ur such a mom

MERCY: So when your shoulders blister and peel, you’re going to treat yourself instead of coming to complain to me?

ANA: … fiiiiine… ill put on sunblock.

PHARAH: Anyone up for volleyball?

MERCY: Sure!!

SOMBRA: lol bye!! come on hana!!!

D.VA: coming!!!!

WIDOWMAKER: No thank you.

TRACER: hell yeah!!!

EMILY: Sure! :D

ORISA: I would like to participate too!

EFI: Me too!!!

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - DIRECT MESSAGE: EMILY & TRACER - - -**

TRACER: Em… did u see Amé’s bikini???

EMILY: Of course I did!

EMILY: It looks very good on her.

TRACER: im so turned on right now

EMILY: Same.

TRACER: she really does have nice tits

TRACER: bloody hell she knows we’re looking

EMILY: Of course she does!

EMILY: Why else do you think she’d wear it?

TRACER: ok true.

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - CHANNEL: BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME - - -**

PHARAH: Would you two stop being gay over there? It’s your turn to verse Orisa and Efi!

GENJI: lmao

**[ATHENA] pinned the message [PHARAH: Would you two stop being gay over there? It’s your turn to verse Orisa and Efi!]**

GENJI: lmAO SAVAGE!!

PHARAH: What?

GENJI: athena just roasted all of you. get rekt.

GENJI: uhh whats happening over there???

TORBJÖRN: YOUR SANDCASTLES WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN MINE.

JUNKRAT: EXCUSE YOU MY SANDCASTLES ARE AMAZING!!!!

TORBJÖRN: THEY HAVE NO STRUCTURE! NO FORM!

TORBJÖRN: Fine. Satya!

SYMMETRA: What do you want?

TORBJÖRN: Will you come judge these sandcastles?

SYMMETRA: No.

SYMMETRA: Leave me alone.

PHARAH: This holiday is a disaster.

MERCY: You don’t say?


	29. Love Shack, Baby, Love Shack

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

WIDOWMAKER: @EMILY @TRACER Come here.

WIDOWMAKER: I have a present for you.

**[EMILY] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[TRACER] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

EMILY: !!!!!

TRACER: !!!!!

WIDOWMAKER: <3

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: f UCK

EMILY: I’m dying.

**[D.VA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

D.VA: Y U DO THIS IN THE CHAT????

D.VA: SCARRED 4 LIFE

TRACER: d ONT KINKSHAME ME

D.VA: KINKSHAMING IS MY KINK

D.VA: go get her tho

**[SOMBRA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [D.VA: KINKSHAMING IS MY KINK]**

SOMBRA: go get that ass girls!!!!

**[D.VA] pinned the message [SOMBRA: go get that ass girls!!!!]**

TRACER: hhhhhhhh

EMILY: … Amélie is so hot…

**[TRACER] pinned the message [EMILY: … Amélie is so hot…]**

SOMBRA: @D.VA @SYMMETRA

SOMBRA: come here~ ;)

SOMBRA: i got u both a present~

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

SYMMETRA: …

SYMMETRA: I am on my way.

D.VA: im coming

SOMBRA: u will be tonight ;)

**[SYMMETRA] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

TRACER: f UCKIN HYPPOCRITE HANA

D.VA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

D.VA: not my fault my gfs are both absolute b a b e s

D.VA: holy fuck my girls are hot

EMILY: Lena, hurry up.

EMILY: We can't leave Amélie waiting.

TRACER: true.

TRACER: seeya guys!!

D.VA: have fun getting fucked!!!

TRACER: BLOODY RIGHT I WILL

**[TRACER] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[EMILY] pinned the message [D.VA: have fun getting fucked!!!]**

**[EMILY] pinned the message [TRACER: BLOODY RIGHT I WILL]**

EMILY: … I have to go.

**[ANA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[EMILY] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[GENJI] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

GENJI: where is everyone???

ANA: gettin laid unlike you

D.VA: LMAO!!!!

**[D.VA] pinned the message [GENJI: where is everyone???]**

**[D.VA] pinned the message [ANA: gettin laid unlike you]**

GENJI: why must you attack me like this???

D.VA: RIP GENJI

GENJI: betrayed by my own family!!!

GENJI: …. AGAIN

GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

HANZO: What do you want.

GENJI: hello brother

HANZO: Oh. You just wanted to insult me.

HANZO: Why must you be like this?

GENJI: lmao u salty bro?

HANZO: I was busy.

GENJI: busy??? ur always ‘busy’.

D.VA: busy??

ANA: bUSY GETTIN DICKED.

**[D.VA] pinned the message [ANA: bUSY GETTIN DICKED.]**

ANA: aren't u meant to be with ur gfs rn hana??

D.VA: o shit

D.VA: yea

D.VA: g2g bye guys!!

**[D.VA] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

GENJI: wheres everyone else tho???

ANA: well… i assume gabe is with jack giving him his present…

GENJI: ghost dick?

ANA: ghost dick.

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [ANA: well… i assume gabe is with jack giving him his present…]**

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [GENJI: ghost dick?]**

**[SOMBRA] pinned the message [ANA: ghost dick.]**

ANA: idk where everyone else is tho ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**[SOMBRA] has left [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**


	30. Birds Are So Gay

**[ANA] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [BEACH BABES AND BROS]**

ANA: im still finding sand everywhere.

ANA: its even in clothing i didn't even take to the fucking beach!!!!

ANA: i hate sand.

**[PHARAH] pinned the message [ANA: i hate sand.]**

**[PHARAH] changed channel name to [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

PHARAH: @REINHARDT

ANA: w0w

ANA: memed on by my own daughter

PHARAH: You set yourself up for it, mother.

PHARAH: You made me watch all of those movies.

PHARAH: Aren’t you proud of me?

ANA: ur my least favourite child now

PHARAH: I’m your only child.

ANA: jesse is my favourite now

**[REINHARDT] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

REINHARDT: Ha!!!

REINHARDT: Well played, Fareeha!!!

ANA: u gonna meme on me too???

REINHARDT: I will always meme on you, dear.

**[D.VA] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

D.VA: ewww gross old ppl in love.

ANA: fuk off

D.VA: also its HALLOWEEN TIME BITCHES!!!

ANA: i got my spook on already

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

SOLDIER 76: Halloween isn’t until the 31st.

D.VA: wRONG!!!

ANA: IN THIS HOUSE HALLOWEEN IS A WHOLE MONTH.

**[GENJI] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

GENJI: its gonna suck this year cause reyes went n joined the loser squad

ANA: he had gr8 costumes

ANA: too bad he's dressed for halloween all year now

**[GENJI] pinned the message [ANA: too bad he's dressed for halloween all year now]**

GENJI: #REKT

SOLDIER 76: Stop talking about him.

**[REAPER] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

REAPER: **boo**

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

**[REAPER] has left [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

ANA: LMAO

ANA: @PHARAH u got ur costume yet????

PHARAH: No, mother, I have not.

ANA: ur no daughter of mine

ANA: u and angie better do a couples costume this year

PHARAH: We’re not dating.

ANA: but u want to date her, right???

PHARAH: … Yes.

ANA: then ask!!

ANA: @MERCY FAREEHA HAS A QUESTION FOR YOU!!!!

PHARAH: MOTHER NO!!!

ANA: MOTHER YES!!

**[MERCY] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

MERCY: Yes?

ANA: read up lmao

MERCY: Oh!

MERCY: @PHARAH Perhaps we should discuss this in private?

PHARAH: Yes please.

MERCY: Come to my office and we’ll sort this out.

PHARAH: On my way.

**[MERCY] has left [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

ANA: lol gay

D.VA: yah

PHARAH: Don’t.

D.VA: come on!! just ask her!!!

PHARAH: Fine, fine. I’ll ask her.

ANA: my girl is finally growing up…

PHARAH: Mother, I am 32.

ANA: i kno

**[PHARAH] has left [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

ANA: and now we wait… 


	31. Frogs Are Gay Too

**[TRACER] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

**[GENJI] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

TRACER: well that was shit

GENJI: you dont say???

TRACER: i almost died!!!!

GENJI: i almost died. AGAIN!!!!

LÚCIO: mission: failed

LÚCIO: team: nearly dead

LÚCIO: doomfist: scary

LÚCIO: we are forcibly removed from Numbani

TRACER: lol

GENJI: im glad we didn't ACTUALLY die.

LÚCIO: id miss you guys if you died

**[D.VA] reentered [ANA-KIN AMARI SKYWALKER]**

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: @LÚCIO would only miss genji

LÚCIO: WHAT NO!!!

LÚCIO: WHERE’D THIS COME FROM?????

D.VA: LIAR

D.VA: YOU LIKE HIM!!!

LÚCIO: WE’RE TEAMMATES!! OF COURSE I DO!!

D.VA: YOU LIKE HIM IN THE GAY WAY!!!

LÚCIO: HHHHHHH

D.VA: @EVERYONE LÚCIO IS INTO @GENJI AND @ZENYATTA

LÚCIO: IM NOT

D.VA: YOU ARE. YOU CANT LIE TO ME

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

SOMBRA: SOMBRA SEES ALL

SOMBRA: SOMBRA KNOWS U LIKE THEM

D.VA: GIVE UP LU!! WE ALL KNOW UR GAY FOR THEM!!!

GENJI: im… hhhhhhhh

MCCREE: hes overheating

MCCREE: he took his faceplate off y’all

MCCREE: HES BLUSHING!!!!

D.VA: SEE!!! GENJIS INTO U TOO!!!

**[ZENYATTA] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

ZENYATTA: He does talk about you a lot, Lúcio.

LÚCIO: HANA WHY???

D.VA: Lúcio rn: (O////O)

LÚCIO: HANA PLEASE

D.VA: ‘FESS UP LU!!!

GENJI: i… i do like him

D.VA: as in like like him?

GENJI: hhhhh

GENJI: i like him a lot.

LÚCIO: …

LÚCIO: OK FINE!!!

LÚCIO: I DO LIKE THEM

LÚCIO: @GENJI @ZENYATTA

LÚCIO: I LIKE YOU

LÚCIO: AS IN LIKE LIKE YOU

**[LÚCIO] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

D.VA: u better go get him G.

GENJI: on it!!

GENJI: @ZENYATTA u coming??

ZENYATTA: I am.

**[GENJI] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

**[ZENYATTA] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

TRACER: go get it genji!!!

MCCREE: fuckin finally

SOMBRA: HELL YEAH!!!!

D.VA: HELL YEAH!!!!!


	32. THIS IS (ALMOST) HALLOWEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GET SPOOKED

**[ANA] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

ANA: @EVERYONE WAKEY WAKEY HALLOWEEN IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. PREPARE TO BE SPOOKED.

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

**[HANZO] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

SYMMETRA: It is 4AM. Why did you feel the need to wake us this early?

ANA: ITS HALLOWEEN BINCH

SYMMETRA: …

SYMMETRA: Why are you like this?

ANA: GET UR SPOOK ON SATYA.

SYMMETRA: I am going back to bed.

**[SYMMETRA] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

HANZO: Ana, why?

ANA: GET SPOOKED

HANZO: …

WIDOWMAKER: I will shoot your other eye out.

ANA: GG SPIDER. GET SPOOKED

WIDOWMAKER: Gg?

ANA: GIT GUD.

WIDOWMAKER: …

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

**[HANZO] has left [THIS CHAT’S TURNING THE FRICKIN FROGS GAY]**

ANA: LMAO 2 SPOOKY 4 U

**[ANA] changed channel name to [HALLOWEENIES]**

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - SUBGROUP: BIRTHDAY PLANS - - -**

**[ANA] reentered [BIRTHDAY PLANS]**

**[ANA] changed subgroup name to [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[ANA] added [SOMBRA]**

ANA: @EVERYONE HALLOWEEN PARTY PLANNING TIME BINCHES

**[GENJI] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[D.VA] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[SOMBRA] entered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[TRACER] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

GENJI: YEEEEAAAAH

D.VA: HELL YEAH

SOMBRA: FUCK YEAH

TRACER: SWEET!!! I just finished working on my costume!

D.VA: lol i finished mine AGES ago!!

TRACER: :(

LÚCIO: i’m going as something special this year!!!

D.VA: is it a frog???

LÚCIO: NO!!!

LÚCIO: IT’S NOT A FROG!!!

D.VA: lmao

D.VA: anyway… what r we doing for the party??? decorations??? food??? spooks??? costume contest???

ANA: ^ yes to all of those. lu is helping me with the food.

REINHARDT: I would like to help!!!

SOMBRA: i volunteered to help with the spooks

ANA: yee. as usual i will recruit some peeps from this group for the decorations

ANA: rein, u can help with the decorating

ANA: costume contest… uhh… idk how we’re gonna set up that…

D.VA: o!!! i kno!!!

ANA: yee?? lets hear it

D.VA: we stream it and have the viewers pick!!!!!

D.VA: theres enough ppl that it’ll be fair, and ill make sure they know to not just vote for me.

GENJI: u could announce it on ur twitter n link to the stream, but stream from an account run by Athena??

D.VA: sounds good tbh

ANA: i dont have any better ideas. @ATHENA can u help??

**[ATHENA: I would not object to this, if @SOMBRA would agree to hide our location.]**

SOMBRA: sure thing, amiga!!

**[MERCY] reentered [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

MERCY: Why are you all awake? It’s 4am.

ANA: dont be a weenie angela

MERCY: I am not a weenie. I just wanted to sleep.

GENJI: turn ur notifications off then

MERCY: I wish I could.

MERCY: Unfortunately, I must keep them on so I know when the med bay is needed, because Overwatch is full of idiots.

ANA: im not an idiot

GENJI: im not an idiot either

LÚCIO: i have never done anything wrong

TRACER: im not an idiot angie

MERCY: …

MERCY: Ana… remember when you went out and got drunk with Gabriel, Jack, and Reinhardt, and then broke your arm because you tried to dance on the table in the rec room and fell off?

ANA: …

**[ANA] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

GENJI: im still not an idiot.

MERCY: Genji, remember when you got drunk at the Blackwatch New Year’s Party? You tried to do a backflip off the counter of the bar.

GENJI: dont u dare

MERCY: You face-planted on the floor, smashed your visor, and broke your nose.

GENJI: ANGIE U TRAITOR!!!!

D.VA: lmao

**[GENJI] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

MERCY: Lúcio has never done anything wrong, but he does forget to put his legs on when he comes out of his room at night to get water.

LÚCIO: dont do this to me, Ang. i thought we were friends…

MERCY: :^)

LÚCIO: :(

MERCY: And Tracer?… :^)

TRACER: angie please no

MERCY: :^)

MERCY: I have to stitch you up every time you blink into a wall because you were staring at Amélie’s butt.

TRACER: ANGIE!!!

**[TRACER] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

MERCY: @EVERYONE now go to bed. :^)

REINHARDT: Goodnight friends!!

**[MERCY] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[REINHARDT] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[D.VA] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[LÚCIO] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**

**[SOMBRA] has left [HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR]**


	33. 2 SPOOKY 4 U

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALMOST SPOOKING TIME

**\- - - SUBGROUP: TEA TRIO - - -**

**[WIDOWMAKER] created subgroup: [TEA TRIO]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] added [HANZO] and [SYMMETRA]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered [TEA TRIO]**

WIDOWMAKER: I will kill Ana.

**[HANZO] entered [TEA TRIO]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered [TEA TRIO]**

HANZO: Go ahead.

WIDOWMAKER: I will, once Emily and Lena have fallen asleep again.

SYMMETRA: Hana does not sleep well when Sombra is away. Ana woke her.

HANZO: She will not be happy in the morning. I promised I would train with her.

SYMMETRA: I am trying to get her to fall asleep again. It is not working well. Is there anything you would recommend?

WIDOWMAKER: Emily seems to sleep quite well if I give her some tea.

HANZO: Yes, tea is very soothing. Perhaps Hana would enjoy some of the tea that I ordered from Japan last week.

SYMMETRA: Thank you, Hanzo. I believe it would help, however I cannot get up to come and retrieve it.

HANZO: Do not worry, Satya. I will bring you both some tea.

SYMMETRA: Thank you.

HANZO: Would you like any tea, Amélie?

WIDOWMAKER: No thank you, Hanzo. I shall be fine falling asleep. Good night.

HANZO: Good night, Amélie.

SYMMETRA: Good night, Amélie. Please tell Lena to stop dropping her accelerator on the bathroom tiles. It is cracking the casing.

WIDOWMAKER: I will, Satya. Thank you.

**[WIDOWMAKER] has left [TEA TRIO]**

HANZO: I shall be there in a moment, Satya.

SYMMETRA: Thank you, Hanzo.

HANZO: It is no problem.

**[HANZO] has gone idle**

**[SYMMETRA] has gone idle**

HANZO: I have your tea.

SYMMETRA: Come in. Hana is still awake.

SYMMETRA: Thank you, Hanzo. Do try to get some sleep tonight.

HANZO: I will, Satya. Good night.

SYMMETRA: Good night.

**[HANZO] has left [TEA TRIO]**

**[SYMMETRA] has left [TEA TRIO]**

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - HALLOWEENIES - - -**

**[ANA] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[ANA] added [AIRHORNBOT]**

ANA: !airhorn

ANA: @EVERYONE WAKE THE FUCK UP BICHES!!!! IT IS HALLOWEEN!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR!!!

ANA: !airhorn

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] banned [AIRHORNBOT]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [HALLOWEENIES]**

ANA: NO FAIR!!!

**[MERCY] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

MERCY: Ana… why?

ANA: need ppl to help me decorate for the party

MERCY: I’m busy.

ANA: W O W

ANA: RUDE

**[MERCY] has left [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

REINHARDT: I have found the decorations!!

ANA: cool bring em to the rec room

LÚCIO: ill be in the kitchen in a sec!! lemme put my legs on first

ANA: of course. put ur legs on dear. if u see hana, send her to the rec room to help decorate.

LÚCIO: k will do

LÚCIO: @SOMBRA just arrived on base

REINHARDT: @BASTION and @ORISA are helping me carry them!!

**[BASTION] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[ORISA] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

SOMBRA: sup fuckers?

ANA: not much

ANA: we need ur help in the rec room

SOMBRA: comin

LÚCIO: hana is setting up some stuff for the stream with Athena. she says she’ll come down when she’s done

ANA: k cool

BASTION: Dwee~~ (ノ^o^)ノ

ORISA: This is the final box. Would you like our help decorating, Reinhardt?

REINHARDT: If you wouldn’t mind helping!

ORISA: We shall make it look great!


	34. Super Special Pumpkin Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PUMPKINS, BINCH.

**\- - - CHANNEL: BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME - - -**

**[ANA] reentered [BITCH ITS SUMMER TIME]**

**[ANA] changed channel name to [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[D.VA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

D.VA: alright… voice chat is set up. stream is ready to start.

ANA: is everyone in the room?

D.VA: everyone hop in the voice chat!!!!

**[TRACER] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[MERCY] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[ROADHOG] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[EFI] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[ORISA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[LÚCIO] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[REAPER] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[ZENYATTA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[EMILY] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[REINHARDT] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[MEI] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[GENJI] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[TORBJÖRN] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[ZARYA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[BASTION] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[HANZO] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

D.VA: aight… stream’s started.

D.VA: whats up folks?? welcome to this friendly gathering!!!

D.VA: this special halloween stream is being hosted by the lovely Athena, who will be moderating the stream chat as well.

D.VA: now, just a few reminders before i’ll invite the lovely Ana up here to give you all a brief rundown of the night!!

D.VA: first: stream chat is open, and donations are welcome. all donations will be given to charity. the chat will be heavily modded because this is a PG-13 stream.

D.VA: second: costume contest will be early in the night so Efi can leave early if she wishes. voting opens on the linked straw poll at 1900 hours (thats 7pm) our time. voting closes at 2100 hours (9pm), so get your votes in fast, and results are at 2130 hours (9:30pm)

D.VA: third: stream becomes M-rated at 2200 hours (10pm), so please be aware that it will feature some adult things.

D.VA: finally: there will be a halloween prep vlog uploaded to my channel tomorrow, as well as a copy of the full stream for those who missed out on watching. stream ends at 0100 hours. Ana?

ANA: lmao thanks but u just did my job for me

D.VA: o

D.VA: lol well then lets get started

GENJI: I CALL PICKING THE FIRST SONG!!!!

MCCREE: NO FAIR!!!

LÚCIO: i swear to god if they crash into the food table… ill throw them both off a cliff

HANZO: Kill me please.

WIDOWMAKER: Non. You must suffer with us.

MERCY: I refuse to heal anyone who gets hurt tonight.

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - DIRECT MESSAGE: D.VA & SOMBRA - - -**

D.VA: OH. MY. GOD.

SOMBRA: Satya’s costume?

D.VA: yah (O///O)

D.VA: she's gorgeous.

SOMBRA: mmm

SOMBRA: tonights gonna be good…

D.VA: cant wait

**\- - - - - -**

**\- - - CHANNEL: SKELETON TITTIES - - -**

LÚCIO: HANA!!! SOMBRA!!!

LÚCIO: STOP BEING GAY AND COME OVER HERE!!! WE NEED YOU TO DOCUMENT THIS.

D.VA: what is it???

GENJI: JESSE GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN A PUMPKIN

D.VA: IM COMING

ANA: what have we done gabe???

ANA: this boy is a fool

REAPER: **that boy has always been a fool. not my fault.**

MCCREE: kill me

GENJI: HANZO COME LOOK!!!

MCCREE: im gonna jump off the fuckin roof

D.VA: THIS PIC IS GOING ON TWITTER RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE.

MCCREE: fuck

D.VA: yo its almost time for the voting to end, so u better get that pumpkin off quick

MCCREE: Fareeha… help me.

PHARAH: What do you expect me to do?

MCCREE: i dunno… blow it up??

PHARAH: …

PHARAH: You’re so dumb.

PHARAH: I didn’t bring my suit or launcher.

ZARYA: WORRY NOT, FRIEND! I WILL HELP YOU OUT!

MCCREE: NO NO OW—

MCCREE: FREEDOM!!!

MEI: She just ripped that pumpkin in half… with her bare hands…

MEI: So hot…

SYMMETRA: You do know you just said that out loud, Mei?

MEI: Did I?

HANZO: Yes.

MEI: Ooo…

SYMMETRA: Go on. Go talk to her. She likes you.

SYMMETRA: Don’t give me that look. She does.

MEI: Okay, okay! I’m going, I’m going!!

PHARAH: Thanks, Jesse. Now that’s one less pumpkin for the carving contest.

JESSE: whens that???

D.VA: O YEAH!! PUMPKIN CARVING!!! WHO WANTS TO CARVE SOME PUMPKINS???

D.VA: GET UR PUMPKIN, UR TOOLS, AND UR DESIGN, AND CARVE THAT PUMPKIN!!!

D.VA: WE ALL GET AN HOUR (WITH A BREAK FOR THE COSTUME CONTEST RESULTS)

LÚCIO: CARVE EM UP, BOIS!!!


	35. SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GET SPOOKED

**\- - - CHANNEL: SKELETON TITTIES - - -**

LÚCIO: YO HANA WHAT TIME IS IT

HANA: ITS HIIIIIIIGH NOON

MCCREE: im gonna mcfuckin kill myself

HANA: jk its 9:30. time for the results of the costume contest!!!

ANA: YOOOO!!!

D.VA: AIGHT GATHER ROUND LOSERS

D.VA: as u can see we've set up a bit of a stage. when athena calls u, go on up, tell us what ur dressed as, and come on down again. results will be announced at the end.

D.VA: ready A?

**[ATHENA: Of course, Hana.]**

D.VA: LETS START!!

**[ATHENA: Ana will be first. Alphabetical order of call signs following after.]**

ANA: ALRIGHTY!! as u can tell, I'm a pirate. natural eyepatch n all that.

ANA: yes thank you, thank you

BASTION: Dweet dwoot wee-woo!! Zwee wooeee!! (＾▽＾)

ZENYATTA: Ah. Bastion has said that it is dressed as a tombstone, and I believe Ganymede is dressed as a ghost?

BASTION: Weeoo!! (⌒▽⌒)☆

D.VA: ME NEXT!!!!

GENJI: are u just dressed as a rabbit, Hana???

D.VA: NO!!! im the killer rabbit from monty python and the holy grail!!

REINHARDT: You have seen that movie?

D.VA: yea. it was good.

ANA: ur getting off topic!

REINHARDT: Ah yes! I believe young Efi is next?

EFI: Yeah!!! Hi guys!!! I’m dressed as Medusa!! Watch this!!

D.VA: holy shit the snakes move!!!!

EMILY: Please tell me they’re not real snakes…

EFI: Of course they aren’t!! They’re mechanical. I built them myself!!

D.VA: holy shit… emily??

EMILY: Hi all! I’m a bat. Nothing fancy!

WIDOWMAKER: She is extraordinarily cute in that costume.

TRACER: yah…

WIDOWMAKER: Don’t pass out before your turn, cherie.

TRACER: im trying not to luv

GENJI: YO DUDEZ!! WATCH THIS!! HEY ATHENA, CAN U HIT THE LIGHTS?

**[ATHENA: Of course, Genji.]**

GENJI: LOOK AT THESE BONES!!!

TRACER: NICE SKELETON

GENJI: THANKS. I MADE IT MYSELF.

D.VA: DANCE FOR US, MR BONES!!!

HANZO: Please turn the lights back on, Athena.

**[ATHENA: Of course, Hanzo.]**

HANZO: I am a demon. Is that sufficient?

GENJI: BOOO!!! PARTY KILLER!!!

HANZO: Go to hell, Genji.

D.VA: OOOHHH BURN

JUNKRAT: OI IM NEXT!! MY COSTUME GOES WITH ROADIE’S!!! IM A SCIENTIST!!!

D.VA: a mad scientist.

JUNKRAT: THATS WHAT I JUST SAID AINT IT?

ROADHOG: Jamie…

JUNKRAT: FINE FINE. IM COMING

LÚCIO: k so i guess I'm up??

LÚCIO: anyway… remember movie night 4 weeks ago?

D.VA: OF COURSE I DO. IT WAS HORROR NIGHT. PHARAH MADE US WATCH THAT FILM. I STILL HATE HER FOR IT.

LÚCIO: ANYWHO… i am… THE BYE BYE MAN

D.VA: i hate u… but thanks 4 not coming as slenderman.

MCCREE: movin right along yall… howdy im van helsing

GENJI: did u just tip ur fukin hat at us???

MCCREE: fuck off genji. im a gentleman

GENJI: ur a loser

MCCREE: HEY!

MEI: Hello everyone!! I’m dressed as a Jiangshi, that is— a “hopping zombie”!!!

D.VA: oooh spooky!!! i like it!!!

HANZO: A good traditional costume. I like it!

GENJI: omg hanzo dont be such a fukin square

MERCY: Shush, children.

MERCY: I am a witch. Fear me.

PHARAH: Oh my… I like this.

ORISA: Hana! I do not think I can fit on the stage! May I stay down here?

D.VA: sure, lol. everyone give her some space and she can tell us what she’s dressed as.

ORISA: I am one of your “centaurs”. Did I say that right?

PHARAH: You said it perfectly.

PHARAH: I am a cop.

MERCY: Hhh…

REAPER: **I AM DARKNESS. I AM DEATH.**

REAPER: **I AM DRACULA.**

SOMBRA: no fair gabe!!! using that shadow shit is cheating!!!

REAPER: **fuck off sombra**

ANA: hey rein, what the fuck r u wearing???

REINHARDT: I AM HE-MAN. A GLORIOUS HERO.

LÚCIO: oh. my. fucking. god. i did not need to see that much skin.

D.VA: yah. NEXT PLEASE.

ROADHOG: Hello. I am Frankenstein’s monster.

D.VA: nice!! a classic!!

ANA: get up jack

SOLDIER 76: Leave me alone, Ana. Uh… Hi guys… I’m—

REAPER: **OH MY GOD**

ANA: wow somehow u made urself look older than me

REINHARDT: Thriller is a CLASSIC, Ana. You wouldn't understand!

SOLDIER 76: I’m leaving.

SOMBRA: cool. that means i get the stage!

SOMBRA: im neo from the matrix.

GENJI: HAHA NERD!!!

SYMMETRA: It is unwise to say such things, Genji.

GENJI: AAAAAAAAAHHHH

SYMMETRA: I am a dragon.

SOMBRA: triple kill: my heart, soul, and body.

D.VA: im dead.

ANA: hurry up you lot!!! Torb!!! get up there!!!!

TORBJÖRN: No.

ANA: fine just tell us what u are!!!!!

TORBJÖRN: Viking. Can I go now?

ANA: yea. go and be boring.

**[TORBJÖRN] has left [SKELETON TITTIES]**

TRACER: ello luvs!! im Missy!!!

WIDOWMAKER: You’re so British, cherie.

TRACER: uhh what did u expect lol??

WIDOWMAKER: Quiet, cherie. Bonjour, I am a fairy.

LÚCIO: what sort of fucking fairy looks like they snatch children from their beds???

WIDOWMAKER: Fairies of myth and legend were not very nice.

@MOD WINSTON: Can we get this over with??

D.VA: its ur turn tho, winston…

@MOD WINSTON: Fine. I am dressed as ‘Wreck-It Ralph’. Tracer made me wear this.

TRACER: dont be a spoilsport winston!! you look dashing!!

@MOD WINSTON: Ugh.

ZARYA: Hello!

ANA: nice!! very retro!!

REINHARDT: Is that 80s fashion?

ZARYA: Da!

MEI: Oh my god, her muscles…

D.VA: AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST… ZENYATTA!!!

ZENYATTA: Thank you, Hana. I am a “Cultist”, I believe… Is that correct, Genji?

GENJI: yea.

D.VA: wow… just wow…

D.VA: uhhh ill be back in a second. gotta get the straw poll results.

**[D.VA] has left [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's dressed as what:  
> Ana - pirate  
> Bastion - tombstone (Ganymede is a ghost)  
> D.VA - the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail  
> Efi - Medusa (complete with mechanical snakes)  
> Emily - a bat  
> Genji - a skeleton (painted on his armour with glow in the dark paint)  
> Hanzo - demon  
> Junkrat - mad scientist (Dr. Junkenstein/Frankenstein)  
> Lúcio - the bye bye man  
> McCree - Van Helsing  
> Mei - Jiangshi  
> Mercy - witch  
> Orisa - centaur  
> Pharah - cop (from literally every cop comedy ever)  
> Reaper - Dracula  
> Reinhardt - He-Man  
> Roadhog - Junkenstein/Frankenstein's monster  
> Soldier 76 - his Immortal skin  
> Sombra - Neo from the Matrix  
> Symmetra - dragon  
> Torbjörn - viking  
> Tracer - Missy from Doctor Who  
> Widowmaker - an original fairy (the murderous kind)  
> Winston - Wreck-It Ralph  
> Zarya - 80s chick  
> Zenyatta - cultist


	36. Overwatch Gets Gayer

**\- - - CHANNEL: SKELETON TITTIES - - -**

**[D.VA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

GENJI: SHE’S BACK!!!!!!!

D.VA: chill, people.

GENJI: TELL US THE RESULTS!!!

D.VA: yo… chill.

D.VA: so… according to the straw poll…

ANA: DRUMROLL PLEASE

D.VA: 1st place goes to Symmetra and her dragon costume.

D.VA: O SHIT

D.VA: 2nd apparently goes to me. awk

D.VA: and 3rd…. 3rd goes to Genji and his skeleton.

GENJI: MY BONES

ANA: BONE

D.VA: bruh can i get a boneless bone?

LÚCIO: so like… what were the prizes meant to be???

D.VA: uhhh…

D.VA: eternal bragging rights i guess???

GENJI: nice…

GENJI: so like… what happens now???

ORISA: Hana!!! Young Efi is tired and wishes to sleep! Would it be okay if we left?

D.VA: its fine orisa!!! have a good night!! sleep well E!!

**[ORISA] has left [SKELETON TITTIES]**

**[EFI] has left [SKELETON TITTIES]**

SOMBRA: WHAT TIME IS IT???

MCCREE: dONT YOU DARE

ANA: ITS HIIIIIIIIGH NOON!!

D.VA: lmao its…. 9:55pm

SOMBRA: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

D.VA: NO SHOTS

D.VA: NOT TIL 10PM

D.VA: THEMS THE RULES KIDDO

SOMBRA: AWWWWW…

D.VA: also ew… that made me sound like mccree

MCCREE: why're y'all bullying me like this???

REAPER: **cause you make it so easy kid**

MCCREE: fuck off ya flyin sack of shit.

GENJI: ITS 10PM

SOMBRA: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

HANZO: End my life, Satya.

SYMMETRA: No. I am enjoying my drink.

HANZO: Amélie, please.

WIDOWMAKER: Non. I am also busy enjoying my drink.

HANZO: Fuck it. I will enjoy a drink too.

EMILY: Hey, where’s winston??

TRACER: uhh i think he went to bed

TRACER: why??

EMILY: I have no idea who that is, and I don’t think she’s meant to be here.

TRACER: SOMBRA!!!

SOMBRA: si???

TRACER: who's that and did u let her in???

SOMBRA: SHIT FUCK

SOMBRA: I TOLD HER SHE WASNT INVITED

SOMBRA: i have no idea how she got here

MERCY: What’s going on, Lena?

PHARAH: Is everything alright?

SOMBRA: uhhh nothing…

TRACER: but you just said she wasn't invited luv

SOMBRA: lena…

MERCY: Who?

TRACER: uhh that chick over there??

SOMBRA: LENA!!

MERCY: What. The. Fuck.

MERCY: What is SHE doing here, Sombra?

SOMBRA: I TOLD HER NOT TO COME!!!

TRACER: who is she???

MCCREE: HEY ANGIE ISNT THAT YOUR EX???

MERCY: JESSE!

MERCY: FAREEHA, NO!!!

PHARAH: Fareeha, yes.

ANA: ahhh… look at my girl go… off to beat up her gfs ex

ANA: im so proud

REINHARDT: Little ‘Reeha is all grown up!

**[MOIRA] entered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

MOIRA: WOAH WOAH HEY WHAT IN FUCK??

ANA: FALCON PUNCH!!!!!

MOIRA: OWWWW

MOIRA: DIDYA HAVE TA DO THAT??

MOIRA: aw shite

MERCY: ‘Reeha… Why?

MOIRA: ya didnt tell me there was gonna be some tough lass here, sombra!

SOMBRA: yea because you wERENT INVITED

SOMBRA: yo ‘reeha. have a drink.

SOMBRA: u need to chill

PHARAH: Uhh.. Thanks?

MOIRA: anywho… I'm Moira

PHARAH: So you’re Angies ex, huh?

MOIRA: yea. you her gal??

PHARAH: I am.

MOIRA: well that explains the punch

PHARAH: Uh.. Sorry about that.

MOIRA: nah its all cool

PHARAH: So… How was she?

MOIRA: so hot. did ya know she can do somethin’ great with her tongue?

PHARAH: Oh yeah. She did it last night and—

MERCY: Alright. That’s enough of that. You two are never speaking to each other again. Especially when you’ve both had alcohol.

MERCY: ‘Reeha, I’m disappointed in you. Moira… well… she’s always been like this.

MOIRA: never gonna change ang.

MERCY: You shut your mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks discord buddies.


	37. Ho Ho Hoeing Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhh...

**[LÚCIO] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[D.VA] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

LÚCIO: HANA NO

D.VA: HANA YES

LÚCIO: DONT DO IT

D.VA: IM GONNA DO IT

D.VA: IT IS DONE

D.VA: I ORDERED IT

LÚCIO: FUCKING HELL HANA

D.VA: >:3

**[MERCY] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

MERCY: What are you two up to?

D.VA: nothin

LÚCIO: just christmas shopping

MERCY: Remember that not everyone here celebrates Christmas, Lúcio.

LÚCIO: i know

D.VA: that’s why we’re calling it the ‘non-specific holiday party’

MERCY: You’re having a party?

D.VA: duh. its holiday time. we gotta have a party.

**[MOIRA] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

MOIRA: can i come???

MERCY: No.

MOIRA: >:(

MERCY: No.

MOIRA: but its a party!!! i love parties!!!

MERCY: You’re not invited. Especially after Halloween.

MOIRA: >:( i hate u

MERCY: The feeling is mutual.

**[GENJI] reentered [HALLOWEENIES]**

**[GENJI] changed channel name to [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[HANZO] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

GENJI: merr christms ho ho hoes.

MCCREE: han, darlin’, make him stop

HANZO: I cannot. He has always been like this.

MERCY: I can attest to that.

MCCREE: im jumpin off the watchpoint. bye guys

**[ANA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

ANA: gg genji

ANA: gr8 chat name

ANA: ALSO whos doing the tree this year???

D.VA: wat u mean ‘whos doing the tree’???

MERCY: It’s a tradition for groups within Overwatch to take turns decorating the Christmas tree.

D.VA: its the ‘non-specific holiday’ tree. get it right

MERCY: Yes. That.

D.VA: what r the groups???

ANA: the old groups were the founders club (me, rein, torb, jack, gerard, gabe)

ANA: there was the kid’s table (reeha, lena, angie, jesse, and genji)

ANA: who else???

MERCY: Team ‘We Don’t Need A Name’

ANA: ahh yes… kimiko, mirembe, liao, and moira

MERCY: And I believe there was Team ‘Cinnamon Roll’?

ANA: yup mei and amelie

**[MEI] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

MEI: Don’t forget Snowball!!

D.VA: ???

ANA: and snowball the cat

ANA: and then there was just winston on team don’t

D.VA: fuck teams

D.VA: no teams this year

D.VA: we decorate this fucker together

**[ZARYA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

ZARYA: As COMRADES!!

D.VA: yea

D.VA: also wheres the decorating stuff

ANA: idk???

D.VA: @REINHARDT WE NEED UR HELP

**[REINHARDT] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

REINHARDT: What do you need, my friends?

D.VA: where r the holiday decorations???

REINHARDT: I SHALL FETCH THEM!! @ORISA MAY I HAVE YOUR ASSISTANCE?

**[ORISA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

ORISA: Yes, of course! I am on my way!

D.VA: @EVERYONE GET UR ASSES TO THE REC ROOM. WE DECORATING THIS BITCH!!!

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

SOLDIER 76: Language.

D.VA: fuk off

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**


	38. Happy Non-Specific Holidays!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its late. I'm sorry.

**[MERCY] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[ANA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[D.VA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

MERCY: Happy Hanukkah everyone!

ANA: lol hanukkah started 3 days ago angie

MERCY: …

MERCY: Don’t mock me, Ana.

ANA: im not

D.VA: TWO DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

MERCY: You sound very excited, Hana.

D.VA: IVE NEVER HAD A REAL CHRISTMAS BEFORE

SOMBRA: awww cute <3

D.VA: <3

SOMBRA: anyway…

SOMBRA: merry capitalist holiday everyone!!

D.VA: olivia… be nice.

SOMBRA: what?? christmas isn't that great with los muertos

D.VA: :(

D.VA: satya and i r gonna give u a proper christmas.

SOMBRA: awwww

**[TRACER] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

TRACER: @EVERYONE merry christmas/other holidays!!!

MERCY: Merry Christmas, Lena!

D.VA: ya merry christmas

**[GENJI] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[HANZO] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

GENJI: merr chrisis

HANZO: Genji, when did you start celebrating Christmas?

GENJI: after u murdered me

HANZO: …

**[HANZO] has left [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

GENJI: wait did we decorate the tree????

MERCY: Yes. I believe you were in the med bay when it happened.

SOMBRA: wait what happened to genji???

MERCY: Lúcio let Genji try on his skates.

MERCY: And it went about as well as expected.

GENJI: #noregerts

D.VA: BAD

MERCY: Genji, you ruined your feet, bent some of your arm plating, and ripped some of the wires out of your bottom.

GENJI: and i have no regerts

MERCY: See if I fix you up next time then.

**[MERCY] has left [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

D.VA: well done genji. u have pissed off the doc just in time for christmas

SOMBRA: but thats like 2 days away???

D.VA: angie’s wrath lasts for at least a month

MCCREE: its true y'all

TRACER: can confirm :(

D.VA: she hates all of us

ANA: lmao whos helping with the baking?? gotta start today.

MCCREE: do ya wanna leave the watchpoint standing or??

TRACER: sorry luv, i cant bake :(

SOMBRA: amé wont eat anything i make her, so thats a no from me

GENJI: nah

D.VA: do u want to die???

ANA: well fuck u all then. lúcio is my new best friend now.

**[ANA] has left [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**


	39. Merry Fuckin' Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops I'm late

**\- - - CHANNEL: SKELETON TITTIES - - -**

**[D.VA] reentered [SKELETON TITTIES]**

D.VA: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

D.VA: wait…

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

D.VA: there. much better.

**[MERCY] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

**[PHARAH] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

MERCY: Hana… What did you do?

PHARAH: Hana, no…

**[ANA] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

**[GENJI] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

ANA: hana…

GENJI: OH M YF UCK HANA

GENJI: THAT CHAT NAME

MERCY: Hana… Efi shouldn't see that.

D.VA: SHIT U RIGHT

**[EFI] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

D.VA: fUCK

MERCY: Don’t say those words around her! She’s eleven!

EFI: Hi guys!!

EFI: What words? You mean like ‘fuck’?

ANA: omg

MERCY: Hana…

D.VA: what??? i didn't teach her that

GENJI: GIRL U BETTER RUN

D.VA: but im innocent

**[ORISA] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

ORISA: What did I say about swearing, Efi?

EFI: I programmed you, don’t mother me.

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

JUNKRAT: OI MATE WHO WANTS A SNAG???

D.VA: a fuckin what now???

JUNKRAT: SNAGS BANGERS COME GET EM

D.VA: the fuck is he on???

MERCY: Please tell me no one spiked the eggnog.

ORISA: I have been by the food all night. No one has spiked it.

JUNKRAT: IM SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS

D.VA: NO DONT

MERCY: … I will not stop you, nor will I heal you when you inevitably hurt yourself.

ANA: lol ‘snags’ r sausages

D.VA: whaaa???

ANA: australian thing

D.VA: wait…

D.VA: why r there just 7 of us in voice chat????

**[SOMBRA] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

SOMBRA: whoops sorry babe <3

D.VA: … make that 8 <3

SOMBRA: luv u babe <3

**[HANZO] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

HANZO: Angela, Jesse is currently on his way to blackout drunk. I am taking him to his quarters.

MERCY: … Do you think he’ll require medical assistance in the morning?

HANZO: No doubt he will. I’ll drop by the med bay for some painkillers when he’s sleeping.

MERCY: … Sure.

**[HANZO] has left [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

MERCY: I hate my job.

**[MOIRA] reentered [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

MOIRA: come join talon n u can share my office

MERCY: … Fuck off.

MOIRA: oh i sure can do that

MERCY: This is the reason we broke up.

PHARAH: Oh. I see Moira’s here.

PHARAH: Hey.

MOIRA: hey

MERCY: … ‘Reeha, we’re leaving.

**[MERCY] has left [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

PHARAH: … Uhh… See you around, I guess?

**[PHARAH] has left [SHOVING A CHRISTMAS TREE UP MY ASS]**

MOIRA: spoilsports 


	40. An Unmitigated Disaster

**[D.VA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

D.VA: so uhh…

D.VA: wheres talon gone???

**[TRACER] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

TRACER: saw ame last week for date night

TRACER: they're not gone

D.VA: yah but like??? we’ve been on heaps of missions

D.VA: and we haven't seen anyone other than the regular goons

TRACER: true

**[MCCREE] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

MCCREE: well y'all should be happy we aint seen em

D.VA: no. i miss my gf (╥﹏╥)

MCCREE: you got two of em

MCCREE: besides, y'all shouldn't be sneaking off to smooch while we’re on missions

**[SOMBRA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[ANA] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

SOLDIER 76: This is why we can’t have nice things.

SOLDIER 76: Because you lot keep sneaking off to snog the enemy.

ANA: pot. kettle. black.

ANA: ^^ goes for u 2 jackie boy

**[D.VA] pinned the message [ANA: pot. kettle. black]**

**[D.VA] pinned the message [ANA: ^^ goes for u 2 jackie boy]**

D.VA: yah dont think i haven't seen u and han sneaking off when he should be scouting

**[ANA] pinned the message [D.VA: yah dont think i haven’t seen u and han sneaking off when he should be scouting]**

ANA: o yah. we forgot about that bet u had going. angie won that one right??

D.VA: yah she did.

D.VA: also who tf says smooch anymore????

SOMBRA: lol yeah talon is… having a moment

ANA: like… ‘arguing over whether salt is a spice’ moment or???

SOMBRA: its more of an ‘edgy dad fucked off to mexico or wherever for 6 weeks’ moment

ANA: ah

TRACER: wait whys he fucked off to mexico??

SOMBRA: he didn't exactly say where he was going. said he was going on ‘vacation’

ANA: lmao talon has vacations???

SOMBRA: no but when ur a ghost with big guns they kinda let u do whatever u want

SOMBRA: so yea, reaper’s missing, moira gives 0 fucks, akande is off doing whatever he does, and the rest of talon is in shambles

SOMBRA: also no one says smooch anymore

MCCREE: i thought talon was supposed to be some sort of highly organised illegal operation

SOMBRA: only in the lower levels.

SOMBRA: us specialty folk r just doing whatever we want

D.VA: so have u like??? done stuff???

SOMBRA: ame and i tried to put together a table for the break room…

SOMBRA: it went about as well as expected.

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

WIDOWMAKER: It was an unmitigated disaster.

SOMBRA: ^^ that

MCCREE: wait wait…

MCCREE: y'all have a break room???

WIDOWMAKER: We do. The coffee is terrible, and their tea selections aren’t any better.

SOMBRA: usually ame and i dont really agree on much…

SOMBRA: but yea, the coffee is shit

WIDOWMAKER: It is… like drinking tar.

SOMBRA: tbh id rather drink tar

SOMBRA: idk how the goons stomach the stuff

TRACER: :( ill make you a nice cuppa when you come over

WIDOWMAKER: Merci, chérie.

SOMBRA: once upon a time we used to have a good coffee maker…

D.VA: lol what happened to it???

SOMBRA: the kids from accounting broke it

MCCREE: wait do we have a break room???

**[MERCY] reentered [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

MERCY: The kitchen used to be the break room.

MERCY: We do not have enough staff to warrant having a break room now.

MCCREE: unfair

MERCY: I don’t care.

**[MERCY] has left [JINGLE MY BELLS BABY]**

**[SOMBRA] changed channel name to [FOR SALE: TALON ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT]**


	41. Up All Night To Get Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuckin late

**[ANA] reentered [FOR SALE: TALON ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT]**

ANA: WHAT the FUCK is UP losers?

**[ANA] changed channel name to [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[MCCREE] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[GENJI] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[D.VA] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

MCCREE: FUCK ME IN THE ASS TONIGHT?????

GENJI: what the fuck???

D.VA: @ANA yah quick question OP:

D.VA: what the fuck?

ANA: what u mean??

MCCREE: ♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT

MCCREE: FUCK ME IN THE ASS TONIGHT????

ANA: what r u talking about???

ANA: its saint patrick’s day.

ANA: luck be in the air tonight.

MCCREE: what

GENJI: the

D.VA: fUCK

ANA: lmao

**[MEI] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

MEI: Hi everybody!!!

D.VA: hi mei!!!

MEI: What in the world is going on?

**[D.VA] pinned the message [MCCREE: ♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[D.VA] pinned the message [MCCREE: FUCK ME IN THE ASS TONIGHT????]**

D.VA: ( ಠ_ಠ)

MEI: …

MEI: ( ಠ_ಠ)

**[MEI] has left [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

D.VA: great job ana

**[PHARAH] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

PHARAH: Mother, no.

ANA: MOTHER YES.

SOLDIER 76: Ana…

ANA: fuck off. im allowed to have fun

SOLDIER 76: …

**[SOLDIER 76] has left [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

D.VA: o wow he actually fucked off

PHARAH: Mother, why are you like this?

ANA: because im cool as fuck

PHARAH: …

PHARAH: Mother… I’m not mad, just disappointed.

**[ANA] has left [♣UCK ♣E ♣N THE A♣♣ TON♣GHT]**

**[PHARAH] changed channel name to [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

D.VA: thanks

D.VA: @MEI its safe to come back now

**[MEI] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MEI: Fareeha, why is your mother like this?

PHARAH: Too much coffee.

MEI: ( ಠ_ಠ)

**[MEI] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[TRACER] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

TRACER: happy st pattys everyone!!

**[MOIRA] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MOIRA: gonna get fuuuuucked uuuuup

TRACER: ayyyy drinks all round

**[MERCY] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MERCY: Lena, please drink responsibly.

MOIRA: not gonna tell me ta be responsible angie??

MERCY: I was going to ignore you and hope you got liver damage.

MOIRA: :(

MERCY: Deal with it.

**[MERCY] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[PHARAH] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**


	42. RIP MOIRA

**[MOIRA] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MOIRA: @MERCY helop meee

MOIRA: pleaasse

MOIRA: @MIERCYR

MOIRA: @MEERY

MOIRA: @MERCY

MOIRA: he lkkp mree

MOIRA: help. pls. im styuuckk

MOIRA: ugh

**[MOIRA] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[MERCY] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MERCY: …

MERCY: @TRACER Please tell me you didn’t go drinking with Moira.

**[TRACER] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

TRACER: nah luv. went out with em and amé.

MERCY: That sounds lovely. 

TRACER: twas. none of us had much to drink.

MERCY: That’s very good, Lena. 

TRACER: o btw winston wants to see u in his lab.

MERCY: Thank you for telling me. I’ll head over.

**[MERCY] went idle**

TRACER: im going for a run

**[TRACER] went idle**

**[@MOD WINSTON] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[@MOD WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM]**

@MOD WINSTON: @EVERYONE Please welcome Brigitte to the base.

TRACER: WOAH new members!!!

@MOD WINSTON: Yes Lena.

MERCY: @BRIGITTE LINDHOLM Please come down to the med bay as soon as possible so I can add your medical records to the system. Welcome to the team!

**[@MOD WINSTON] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] changed name to [BRIGITTE]**

BRIGITTE: Hello all! :D

**[REINHARDT] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

REINHARDT: BRIGITTE!!! IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!

BRIGITTE: Hello Reinhardt!

**[MCCREE] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

MCCREE: howdy brigitte. didya dad finally let ya join?

BRIGITTE: I’m 21. I’m an adult.

MCCREE: lmao that never stopped ana.

BRIGITTE: @MERCY I’m on my way down! :D

MERCY: Finally! Someone who’s not scared of the med bay!

MCCREE: whats that sposed to mean??

MERCY: :^)

MCCREE: …

**[MCCREE] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**[ANA] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

ANA: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP??

ANA: its ur captain speaking. captain snart dickbutt.

MERCY: You’re not captain anymore, Ana.

ANA: fuck off let me dream

MERCY: Ana… I’m not mad, just disappointed.

**[ANA] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

TRACER: MERCY: 1 ANA: 0

MERCY: :^)

TRACER: so… are we gonna leave moira wherever she is??

MERCY: She’s Talon so she’s not my responsibility. Gabriel can deal with finding her.

TRACER: i mean… that’s fair.

**[REAPER] reentered [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

REAPER: **gabriel is dead**

TRACER: o hey gabe

REAPER: **dont call me that. gabriel reyes is dead.**

MERCY: You will be soon. You’re missing your only medic. :^)

REAPER: **dont care**

REAPER: **moira can find her own way home.**

TRACER: but she sounds like she's in trouble!!!

REAPER: **…**

REAPER: **ugh fine**

MERCY: Don’t pick her up. Make her walk back.

REAPER: **… you know what? she can fuckin walk**

MERCY: :^)

**[REAPER] has left [I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED]**

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by:  
> IT'S BASICALLY DISCORD - hanzo shimada (uberchange)  
> How do we even save the world like this. - darknightskye  
> Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only) - ArcaneAdagio
> 
>  
> 
> Follow this and other fanfics on trello: https://trello.com/b/oalKTg5P


End file.
